I want the Weekly News Update

I want the Fiction e-mailed to me.

The newest oddity: The Solitaire Rose Guide To Going To The Movies

Oddities are things that don’t fit in any of the other categories. What sort of things?

CLICK ON SOME OF THE LINKS AND QUIT ASKING SO MANY STUPID QUESTIONS!! JUMPING JESUS ON A POGO STICK PEOPLE, DO WE HAVE TO HOLD YOUR DAMN HANDS ALL THE TIME!!

Whew

But, if you need an explanation, there's info below the links.

Old Oddities:

The French Version of the website: We were asked by Quebec to create a french version of the site. Here is what happened.

The Cat and where it came from: Cory!! has a cat, and this is her story. Or not. You never know. He's such a lying bastard.

The St Paul Police Report of Cory!!'s most recent drunken rampage: Sent by someone who works for the St Paul City Council

Mystery Science Theater 3000, The Cover Letter Horror: In which our hero writes fan fiction based on a cover letter. Oh hell, just go read it, OK?

A Rat Bastard Christmas Wish: In which our hero asks for his loving fans to get him something for Christmas. Too bad he has no loving fans.

Cory Gets Down with the Wicked Clownz: In which our hero goes to an Insane Clown Posse Concert and manages not to get knifed or called, "Old Dude."

Cory goes to N'Awlins and submits us to a damn slide show.: Yep, the bastard left us alone for a while and went to the Sodom and Gamorra on the Mississippi River. It could be worse. It could be your Grandmother's slides of her trip to Hedonism II.

Cory!!'s Response to a message from the Dali Lama: In which our hero "responds" to a bit of webspam he got. And no, Tom Servo and Crow T Robot didn't help, but Cory!! does refer to a "Magic Voice" once in a while.

Goth Night - Cory decides to explore a culture people think he belongs to anyway.

Capes, not just for Batman anymore - Cory decides to wear a cape to work and see how people react to it.

The Second Caption Contest :In which we gently invite our readers to submit captions to humiliate our company's chairman's picture again.

A rebuttal to a disgruntled former employee: The former web tyrant said a bunch of nasty things about the site when she "toyed" with the site on April Fool's Day. This is the offical Solitaire Rose Responce.

My Stupid Caption Contest: In which we gently invite our readers to humbly submit captions to a photo of our company's chairman.

A Letter of Complaint: In which Cory decides to cut out the middleman and take his issues to the man in charge.

Who Wants To Be A President? A Failed TV Pilot Transcript: Now that there are a bajillion TV Game shows, here's one that could have made the Presidential Primary season more tolerable.

A&E Biography - A Look Inside the WNU: A&E's Biography program takes a detailed inside look at the man behind the Weekly News Update and Solitaire Rose Productions.

The Interview: Questions submitted to Cory from his mailing list, compiled and answered in the guise of an interview with Barbara Walters.

The Speech: What happens when you put Cory in front of a class of graduating students and let him say what he wants.

Since Solitaire Rose Productions is a growing corporation, built on innovation, there are all sorts of things that just don’t fit into neat packages, and this is where they are. While there may be a lot of strange things here, Cory has admonished us not to make the mistakes of other websites. He gave us the memo, which is reproduced below.

I have seen a lot of different websites, and 90% of them suck so hard that they have reversed polarity and now they blow. Just so you know that we here are thinking about you, here is a short list of things you’ll find on other websites that I would rather be shot through the head 17 times than have on my website.

1. Advertisements. We here at Solitaire Rose Productions have integrity, even if we have no morals or ethics. If we were to accept advertising, we couldn’t be able to make fun of everyone for fear of offending sponsors, and I do not live in fear of offending anyone. Besides, let’s face it, no one reads them, no one clicks on them and .05 of a cent for every click through is worthless.
2. Poetry. 2 million people write it, ten thousand people read it, no one likes it and no one has written a poem anyone wants to read since Dorothy Parker died. The day I have poetry on my site is the day I decide to emulate Ernest Hemmingway’s dexterity with his feet.
3. Other people’s opinions. I paid for this site. It is filled with my blood, sweat, tears, and personal pain. Everything on this site is MINE. You want to rant about what I write here, buy your own site, jackass.
4. A list of the CDs I own. Why should I let you know what I listen to, are you going to break into my house and steal them? I may be self centered, but there's fine line between that and being narcissitic. No one else likes me, so why should I?
5. A diary. Please. Diaries are supposed to be secret. No one cares about you pathetic life, the clerks at the local store who complement your eyes, the people at work who brought you the wrong soup for lunch and should die, or your secret desire to be the next Jaye P. Morgan. Listen to me very carefully, OK? You don’t matter. No one cares about your most intimate thoughts. It’s a cold, fuckingly cruel world and in the end you are all alone. Shut up and quit telling us about it.
6. Stupid Font Tricks. Some people think that if they play with fonts, it makes them appear artistic.

   No. It makes you appear as if you are writing a ransom note and need help. Stop it. Now. Or we will find you and break your computer.

7. Stuff about my personal life. If I had one, would I have time to do all the crap for this website? You want to know about me? Ask one of the many women who've dumped me. They'll tell you all you want to know. E-mail me for a list of bad references.
8. Hobbies and Interests. I have read so many sites about people who like to cross-stitch, collect Precious Moments figures, shop, go to new restaurants, roller skate through parks, sail, swing dance, and other things that I don’t believe I should have to wait to download onto my computer. If you do all these great and wonderful things, WHY DON’T YOU GO DO THEM AND QUIT TELLING US ABOUT THEM!!! Your website should be about something. ANYTHING. Believe me, if you’re hobbies are ever so interesting, why don’t you tell us at least WHY you like doing them, or what makes them so interesting instead of giving up a laundry list of things to make you appear to have a life. You know that you don’t and we know that you don’t. Please, stop lying to the both of us.
9. Long pointless stories about how wonderful my boyfreind/girlfriend/cat/love interest/person I'm stalking is, including sappy tales of how we met, the cute things we do, and the rest. Relationships bore people. Why do you think that the credit run in movies when the couple gets together. Unless the story ends with the boyfriend knifing the girlfriend and then ODing on heroin, we don't want to hear it. Besides, shouldn't you be too busy to be in the internet all the time if you're deep in the throes of love?
10. Stories of how you are/were/will be a model. Trust me. You weren't and no one believes that you were. You're just as sad and pathetic as the rest of us. Go to Amihotornot to feed that delusion and go away.

There it is. And if you take offence to anything on the site, GOOD! It means I’m doing my job. Now go away and leave me alone!

Copyright © 2003 Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.  

It just gets stranger as time goes on. Please, stop the madness.