Mystery
Science Theater 3000
The Cover Letter Horror!
[Season 6 opening credits and theme song]
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[SOL control room.]
[Not much can been seen for all of the plants obscuring the Control Room. We can see hint of the table, and the three buttons used to control the ship]
Mike: *just a voice* Hi everyone, I'm Mike Nelson and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I know it's kind of hard to tell that's where we are due to all the undergrowth. And over growth. And just plain too much growth. Just so you know, I have no idea where all these plants came from...they were here when I woke up. And I haven't' found anyone else on the Satellite either.
Tom: *also just a voice* There you are Mike. I wondered where you were hiding yourself.
Mike: I could hide myself anywhere and you wouldn't find me.
Crow: *also just a voice, but very far away* Marco!
Tom: Polo!
Mike: You mean you grew all of these plants to play Marco Polo?
Tom: Of course not. We grew all of these plants because Crow read a book about gardening, and wanted to try it last night.
Mike: But how did they all grow this big overnight?
Crow: *coming from the other side of the screen* Marco!
Tom: Polo! That would be the glowing stuff we found down in engine room marked "toxic". Shows what they know. Heh heh heh.
Crow: *closer and on the opposite side of the screen* Yeah, I thought it would kill the weeds so I would have a perfect crop of corn and tomatoes, but instead we got this.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 1 minute. Marco!
Tom and Crow: Polo!
Mike: You mean with all the movies we have seen over the years, you haven't learned that radioactive, toxic waste makes giant mutants out of normal things?
Tom: But you said all those movies were crap.
Crow: Yeah! As in "Why do we watch this crap", "what a piece of crap", "ouch, I have crap in my eyes"...
Mike: I guess you have me there...hoist on my own petard. Marco!
Magic Voice: Polo! Commercial sign!
[Mike's hand reaches out of the plants and hits the commercial sign button]
Mike: We'll be right back.
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[SOL, with the desk covered in zucchini squash. Tom and Crow are both sporting safety goggles and weed wackers]
Mike: ...no, you can't weed wack my pants and make them shorts.
Tom: What about your underwear...you could have very colorful briefs.
[the light on the buttons is flashing]
Mike: Hold on, we're getting a call from the last surviving members of Wings.
[Deep 13, Dr. Forrester is working with a palm pilot while TV's Frank is reading to him from a calendar]
Frank: Then, on Wednesday, you are attending the symposium on evil in the workplace...
Dr. F: Mike. Toys. Good to see you. [looks perturbed] Why do you have zucchini all over my Satellite? More of the mutant plants gone wild?
[SOL, more zucchini everywhere]
Crow: That's what we thought to, but I guess that these babies just keep growing and growing.
Tom: That and I spliced them with tribble genes.
Crow and Mike: What?!?!?
Tom: You can always use more zucchini. You can have zucchini bread, put it in stir fry, make soup with it, use it for decorations...
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: I almost feel bad about having to run an experiment today, but my Palm Pilot says that I am scheduled too. And technology is never wrong.
[SOL, Tom is in the background the whole time, listing things to make with zucchini. Which now is about waist high on Mike]
Tom: Zucchini and ham sammiches, spread peanut butter on them and eat them raw, use them as lawn darts, put M80s in them to make a festive table decoration.
Mike: I think Tom's little demonstration here puts your theory into doubt.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: You would think so...but you would be thinking wrong. Now, I don't have time for a movie, because I'm scheduled to use the bathroom in 15 minutes, so instead, here's a little slice of hell I got on the internet. A cover letter to someone's resume. Read it and thank whatever forces you see fit that YOU have secure jobs as my lab monkeys.
Frank: I thought *I* was your lab monkey.
Dr. F: You, Frank, are a lab rat. And you need to shave your head in 20 minutes, I'm scheduled to kill you by electricity at noon.
Frank: That's going to hurt.
[SOL, now shoulder high in zucchini, lights flashing and sirens blaring]
Tom: You can put eyes on it and call it a zucchini pet, or chop it up and add it to your cereal in the morning, or use it to clean dirty CDs...
Mike: Oh no, we've got Cover Letter Sign!!
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[Mike and bots enter the theater.]
> ******** *. ********
Tom: Only the letters of this letter were changed to protect the innocent.
> 2425 E. ******** Ave.
Crow: I like that street. It has a great ****ing restaurant.
Mike: Protecting his privacy makes me think he's got a dirty name and lives on an obscene street.
Tom: Oh, **** you.
> Flat 201
Mike: Cool, he's from England, so he must have class.
> Minneapolis, MN 55406
Mike: Minneapolis? And he calls his apartment a flat? I smell trouble.
Crow: I smell Ren Fest. Jugglers. Fat women in low cut dresses. Crappy British accents. Leftover state fair food on a stick.
Tom: Movie stars...swimming pools. You all come back now, y'hear!
> Salutations and thanks for this opportunity to join your organization.
Crow: I wish to work with you in the 19th Century.
> Suffice this as my cover letter,
introduction and tantalizingly brief
> writing sample as well. I hope to deliver here what small
> fraction of what I
> so have to offer. That said let indeed the introduction
commence.
Mike: Let indeed? Let indeed?
Tom: I'm still puzzling out the use of commence outside of a high school graduation.
> I am your premier candidate for
this position, from the
> skills residing here
> in my mortal frame to the heights of that which rests at the
> heart of my
> soul.
Tom: Is it too much to ask what job he's applying for here? Bell ringer at Notre Dame? Shakespeare interpreter? History professor?
Mike: It says here the position open is for executive assistant.
Tom: *spit take*
>For driven from there are we, and
therein I do so
> believe the key does
> lie.
Crow: And driven from this letter are we, as the key doth lie beneath the Welcome mat.
>Certainly I feel that pulse within,
the echoing nucleus
> of what has
> been variously termed quality-oriented, customer minded and
> results driven.
Mike: This guy probably takes 20 minutes to order a grilled cheese sandwich and fries.
Crow: I'm still catching up with the mixed metaphors...the pulsing nucleus of being result driven.
Tom: This sounds like a letter to one of the magazines under Mike's bed.
Mike: Yeah it's....wait a minute, what were you doing under my bed?
Tom: Looking for underpants.
Mike: Well then...hey! That's not much better!
> Utilizing my outstanding technical
expertise, personable
> leadership as well
> as my demonstrated attention to detail I will bring to this
> position the
> people-focused reliable service above and beyond the common
> expectation.
Crow: Which is to use sentences without a whole lot of extraneous words.
Tom: This letter makes me yearn for the monotone taciturnness of Miles O'Keefe.
Mike: I would imagine this guy has SEEN most of Miles O'Keefe's movies.
> Passion and purpose so fused is the hallmark of what I bring,
Mike: Is he applying for a job, or asking to be someone's mistress?
Crow: At a lot of companies, there's not much difference. At least the position on the desk is the same.
>and the
> limitless future but awaits the superb realization of these
twain
> characteristics.
Tom, Crow and Mike: *applauding* Superb....superb...
Tom: He used the word "twain" in a sentence. I fell cold....
Crow: Don't go toward the light, little buddy.
>Doubtless the inevitable reward of
all these
> traits is what
> the future true does hold.
Crow: Endless hours of playing Dungeons and Dragons.
>Count me in as your go-to
> performer who knows how
> to rise above while still a grounded member of the greater
> team.
Mike: I'm not seeing a lot of being grounded in his prose so far.
>From the
> roots of education to the reaching branches of experience I
am planted
> firmly in enthusiasm, capability and reliability.
Crow: To the leaves of unemployment, the walnuts of disappointment, the flowering of my depression and the twisted gnarled knotholes of lacking contact with the real world.
>Suffice as
> well to say I
> am more than adept in the way of words.
Tom: I smell the ever-present stink of a Ren Fest on this letter.
Mike: It can't be that bad. It's not like he thinks he's Edgar Allen Poe or anything.
>Avid learner through
> all my years,
> including those yet to come as I crave challenge evermore.
Tom and Mike: *scream*
Crow: Geez, for a adept in the way of words, he still hasn't figured out sentences need both nouns AND verbs.
Tom: Hold me, Mike.
Mike: Only if you hold me first.
> Presented thus I
> submit myself to the routine scrutinies, and to those I very
much look
> forward to in person.
Crow: If he's asking us to check out his web site and rank him on Am I Hot Or Not, he's sorely mistaken.
Mike: That's not the only thing he's sorely mistaken about.
Tom: Would you two stop it! Sorely mistaken? The letter is infecting you! We've got to get out of here.
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[SOL control room]
[Tom is dressed in Ren Fair garb, while Crow is sitting in a chair in a 3 piece suit]
Tom: Then we didst go forth and slay the Kraken, m'lord. You see now why I feel I am best for this job.
Crow: That's all very good, but how are you on Microsoft windows?
Tom: When I dost clean a window, all around dost yell Huzzah!
Mike: [Stepping into the frame] And so you see, when you work a Ren Fest, leave it at the campgrounds. Otherwise, this can happen to you. [the button flashes] Oh look, it's Frodo and Gandalf calling.
[Deep 13]
[In the background is a Ren Fest performer juggling in-between filing papers]
Dr. F: See, Nelsoni? You are a horrible judge of character. We DID hire this person, and he is working out fine.
Frank: And he's going to do a puppet show for us later.
[The Ren Fest guy starts singing the Monty Python Spam song to himself. Dr. F's expression changes to one of pure hatred as he turns.]
Dr. F: Monty Python sketches? [takes a step and winces, reaches down and picks up a handful of D&D dice] That's it! You're fired! Take your dice and your action figures with you! Push the button Frank.
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---o--- Fwshhhhh!
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[Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its
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parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on
the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc.,
or anyone else, is intended or should be inferred.
No lawyers were harmed in the making of this MiSTing. No,
actually, there was one. But he didn't seem to mind a lot.]
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>Avid learner through
> all my years,
> including those yet to come as I crave challenge evermore.