A Calm Rebuttal

My former digital tyrant took over my page on April Fool's Day to promote her website and to make fun of mine. In rebuttal to her snide comments and accusations, I would beg your indulgence as I refute most, if not all, of her points. That, and I am itching for a good arguement, and the internet seems to be where people argue about worthless crap that no one gives a a flying fuck at a rolling donut about anyway, so why shouldn't I contribute to that as well? Here then, is my well-reasoned and thoughtful reply to her "drive-by" web slander.

1) She said that I should quit using Front Page and write my page in HTML. I am sorry, but I do not have the time to learn HTML. I have a job to look busy at, people to entertain, bars to get thrown out of, rabid squirrels to feed the flesh of my enemies, and all the free porn that my poor little eyes can take. And even if I did not have all of these things to do, there are many things I would rather do that write my site in HTML. Hit myself in the head repeatedly with a hammer, become addicted to smack, staple waffles to dolphins and toss rotten watermelons into heavy traffic just to name a few.

2) She shamelessly promoted her website saying that her content does not suck. I will have you know that there is poetry on the site. You have been warned. Also be warned that she has started speaking French on a semi-regular basis. Do I need to say more? I think not.

3) She complained that I write too much in the "update" bar. I feel that that is where people can go to find out about me, my site, and all the ever so interesting things I am doing.

OK, so she has a point on that one. Sod off, you wankers.

4) She does not get a link on my site until I get a bribe, like everyone else. Or a Christmas present for 1999. Or a Birthday present for 1999. Or an apology for calling me at 3:30 in the morning to talk about how I have a funny nose and grey hair. Or a nice dinner in a place where they bring the food to your table and you have to use silverware. Otherwise she can stand outside the schoolyard with her nose pressed up against the chain link fence while the cool kids play Freeze Tag.

Finally, and in conclusion, I would like all of my loyal readers to know that her little ploy was a desperate cry for attention. You see, she is jealous of the fact that I have erudite, witty, and intelligent readers who send me thought provoking and well-reasoned e-mail. All she gets are letters written from AOL or WebTV telling her she's "purty" and asking if she's free Saturday night. And no she isn't. But you can e-mail her for rates. I feel that this desperate cry for help should be treated with electroshock therapy and leeches, as that is how people respond to me when I ask them for help. That, and spraying me in the face with mace, which actually changed it's flavor a little this year.

Thank you for your attention, and I hope you see my point of view on this matter. If you don't, WHO ASKED YOU ANYWAY! Lousy Rat Bastards....