I want the Weekly News Update:

We've proudly served

bastards since August 15th 2000 Who gives a damn what happened before that?

When he was informed of our plans, he scribbled this on a napkin, handed it to us and told us that we were to print it verbatim as the French version of this site.

What in the Holy Blue Fuck do you mean, a French version of this site? Can't you people read?  Are you all so dumb that I need to be put in charge of who can breed on this mudball?

There is no French version of this site.

There will BE no French version of this site.

I will not allow a French version of this site after I have died of the abuse I am putting my body through to bring you the most mediocre entertainment possible.

If I find out you have gone to some translation site and MADE my site into a French version of the site, I will personally come you're your house and beat you to death with whatever golf clubs I can find in a five mile radius of your house.  I will then chase away your family.  Then, I will kill your pets.  Then, I will burn your house down and salt the earth so that nothing may grow there again.

It's bad enough that the French Government is looking to block sites that don't have "bi-lingual availability" but now even pretentious Americans are translating their sites to prove how continental they are.  It's enough to make you hang your head and start having Everclear for breakfast instead of lunch.

This is where the line is being drawn.  I will not translate my site into the language of those stinky cheese eating, Ayatollah harboring, Iraq supporting, arrogant, snail eating rat bastard ass clowns until they apologize for having an attitude about the US. 

Yeah, we here in the US should be sorry that we liberated your country instead of waiting for the French resistance to sober up and do it themselves during WW II.  Or that we have a culture that moves forward, and the last important contribution to culture from the French was about...oh...let's see...300 years ago.  We should be sorry that WE knew when to quit killing people in our revolution and you just couldn't stop until Napoleon took over and made himself the king you were trying not to be under.  We should feel all horrid that our music and movies are overrunning your country, which they wouldn't be able to do if your stuff wasn't so God Damn painful.  Jesus Jumping Christ on a bungee cord..  Our movies and music sucks, and you can't compete with Britany Spears and "The Animal"?  If you can't do better than a Rob Schnieder movie, it's time to fold the tent and go home, people. 

As for the French government, maybe it's time they stop supporting terrorist nations before Bush and his cronies see France as the next step after Iraq? Think I'm joking?  When the US went after Lybia for terrorism in the 80's, France tried to block the attacks and refused to let the US use its airspace.  What did Khoemeni hide until he went back to Iran and took our
embassy personnel hostage?  France.  Who is trying to lift sanctions on Iraq even though that haven't complied with a single UN order to quit building bombs and using them on their own people?  France.  What country is being found as where a lot of the financial dealings for Osama bin Laden's organization are housed and protected?  Do I have to say France?  What restaurants do I always get shitty service in, no matter how much I tip?

French ones.

I believe I have made my case.

Before you dismiss me as the typical "Ugly American", remember that I am American just because I was born here and would hate the French even if I was born in the Outback of Australia.  And being ugly has nothing to do with it, but instead explains why I hate women, good looking men, cute babies and
most animals. 

So.  No French version.  And if you have a problem with it, I suggest you either go pound sand, or weep in your baguettes and wine (which is the only drink those pussy Frenchmen can handle, due to its puny alcohol content and inability to be mixed with either soda or Scotch) until someone gives a damn.

Because I sure don't.

Now bugger the fuck off.

© 2001 Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.
De gustibus non disputandum