Who Wants To Be A President?

Announcer: Other game shows offer cash, cars, trips or rampant humiliation, but tonight the American Broadcasting Network brings you the most important game show in American History where the winner receives the nomination for President of the United States. Tonight, Who Wants To Be A President! And now, the host of our show, Regis Philbin!

Regis: Thank you! Tonight is a very special night. So special that to make sure she doesn't interfere, Kathy Lee Gifford has been locked into a metal crate backstage. She's being guarded by Ted Kopple and George Will so that the integrity of this show is not compromised by her anger that I have the number one show in America, and she can't leech off my success. LIFE IS GOOD IF YOU'RE REGIS!

We have asked the Republican Presidential candidates to join us tonight to decide which of them gets the nomination for the election to be held next year. The reason we are doing it this way is that less than 30% of the American public is expected to vote in the primaries, while over 50% of the American public is watching MY NUMBER ONE GAME SHOW! I AM THE BIGGEST STAR IN AMERICA NOW. BOW BEFORE REGIS AND PAY HIM TRIBUTE!!!

*ahem*

We have all of the Republican contenders in our studio, and if they are able to answer the questions given to them, they will win the nomination. As per the rules of the game, once they do get to the stage to answer questions, they will have three different lifelines they can use. They can have a poll done, they can ask lobbyists for help, or they can run ads to try and change the answer. Other than that, it is run exactly the same as my other game show that has MADE ME THE BIGGEST STAR IN THE UNIVERSE!!

Now, WHO WANT TO BE A PRESIDENT!?!

The first elimination question. Put these national priorities in order of how they will be worked on by the next President:

The Economy

The Deficit

Chechnya

Campaign Finance Reform

Crime and Gun Violence

The Farm Crisis

<30 second pause as candidates place their answers>

All the answers have been put in the system, the correct answer is:

None of them will be worked on, since the next President will be too busy paying back all his campaign contributors with tax breaks and special government contracts!

And the person who got the correct answer was: George W. Bush!

Dubuya: Regis, I don't think that was fair, That was a trick question.

Regis: But George, you won.

W: The system works! This is great day for America!

Regis: OK, Mr. Bush. You first question for 10 delegates is: What is the country directly north of us. Is it

A: Pakistan

B: Alaska

C: Canada

D: Mexico

W: Well, since the help taught me to speak Spanish, I know that Mexico is South, so that isn't right. I also think that Alaska is a state, not a country, since I get letters from them every time I say I'm the Governor of the biggest state in the union. That leaves Pakistan and Canada. I haven't heard of either one of them, so I'm going to conduct a poll.

Regis: The poll results are that Canada is at 98% and Pakistan is at 2%.

W: Just because something is popular doesn't mean that it's right. But it does mean that I will support it. I am going with Canada.

Regis: Is that your final answer?

W: Why do you always ask that, you moron? Of course it's my final answer. I'm going for President, do you think I'd give you a wrong answer because I know you'll ask me again? What kind of idiot do you think I am?

Regis: Looking over your Yale transcripts, I think you're the kind of idiot who doesn't pay attention to anything and costs along on his father's money and reputation, but that's just me. Besides, asking again gives the show false drama. Much like the REAL nomination process.

W: OK then, that's my final answer.

Regis: You're right! OK, this one is a little tougher. For 20 delegates, what are the three branches of government:

A: Legislative, Executive and Judicial

B: Father, Son and Holy Ghost

C: Whiskey, Scotch and Vermouth

D: GE, Westinghouse, and Disney

W: This isn't fair. I didn't know that I'd have to study for this. I just wanna be President like my Daddy and bring the full force of the government down on the people who forced him from office.

Regis: He wasn't forced from office, he lost an election.

W: And after he lost, they forced him out of the White House. It just isn't right. I WILL AVENGE YOU, DADDY!

Regis: You are running out of time for the question, and the audience is falling asleep, so I will have to ask you to answer.

W: OK, I know it's not B, because of that pesky Church/State thing. I've never heard of A, so I'm going to have to guess D.

Regis: Is that your final answer.

W: Yup.

Regis: The correct answer is: D! Now for 40 delegates, which of the following is against current campaign finance laws?

A: Accepting millions of dollars in soft money through the party apparatus.

B: Allowing lobbyists to write legislation for the Congressmen they have donated campaign money to

C: Breaking and entering into a bank and stealing money for TV ads

D: Selling teenage girls to China for use in scientific experiments

W: This is a trick question, nothing is illegal when it comes to raising money for a campaign. Long as you don't get caught.

Regis: Is that your final answer?

W: Yup.

Regis: I'm sorry, the correct answer is C. You should have asked for some help.

W: What? You mean I'm done? I lost? What kind of crap are your trying to pull, announcer-boy? I'm the chosen one! I am the start of a dynasty! I didn't party my way through Yale just to be the governor of a bunch of rednecks and illegal immigrants! I did it so's I could get free publicity and a record of putting criminals to death! I refuse to leave!

Regis: I'm sorry, the rules are quite explicit. If you get a question wrong, you are out of the running. Please take a seat next to Lamar Alexander, Dan Quayle and Elizabeth Dole.

W: Who?

Regis: Never mind. Just go away before I sic Kathy Lee on you.

<commercial break>

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