Who Wants To Be A President

Part 2

Regis: We're back, and the grips have been able to clean up the mess Mr. Bush left after asking everyone on the staff and in the audience for donations. We're ready to pick our next contestant. And the question is: List the biggest challenges to America in the year 2000 in order or importance:

The Y2K bug

Lack of affordable health care

Illegal Drugs

The Backstreet Boys and their cloned competition

Improperly wired toaster ovens

Endless Presidential Campaigning

<30 second pause as answers are entered>

All the answers are in, and we have a massive tie for first place. All of the candidates but Gary Bauer put in that this is a trick question too and the only problem facing America is 2000 is a lack of decent rest rooms at sporting events. Gary Bauer said that the biggest problem facing America is how to burn Bill Clinton at the stake. Since he is the only candidate who gave a unique answer, he's the next candidate to face the quiz!

Gary: It's all part of God's plan, Regis.

Regis: That could be, or it could be that your answer was psychotic enough that we'll get some entertainment value out of you.

Gary: Heretic!

Regis: And we were right! Let's begin. For 10 delegates, President Clinton is guilty of:

A: Murder

B: Adultery

C: Stupidity

D: Less than Reagan was guilty of

Gary: You don't have being a baby killing, gay loving, draft dodging, lying, illegitimate abomination in the eyes of God. That's why he is going to burn in the pits of Hell, you know.

Regis: If we put that as one of the choices, it would make the question too easy and we leave the easy questions for Wheel of Fortune.

Gary: Well, the Reverend Jerry Falwell says Clinton is guilty of murder, but he's also met with gay activists, so anything he says now is a lie. Reagan was guilty of nothing, so that throws out that question and leaves adultery and stupidity. I've seen pictures of the trollop he was with, so I'm going with C.

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Gary: <prays for a moment> Yes.

Regis: The answer is C, you are correct! For 20 delegates, The US is currently at war with:

A: Iraq

B: Dr. Doom's Latveria

C: Jews and Catholics

D: The FOX Network

Gary: We can't say anything bad about FOX since they are still running The 700 Club on FOX Family Channel, in-between reruns of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I know I should say Jews and Catholics, but the Congress won't listen to the fact that they are the true enemies of Christianity. I'm going to have to ask lobbyists.

Regis: The military industrial complex says it doesn't matter who we're at war with as long as it's someone so that they can buy and sell new bombs.

Gary: Well, that was no help. It's not like asking a congregation, you can scare them into giving you the answer you want. I guess I'll pray for an answer. Dear God, please help me figure out this sinful question so that I can do your work as President of the Christian United States. In Jesus' name I ask, Amen.

God: How many times do I have to tell you, Leave Me Alone! Why do I get the pathetic geeks and Satan gets the rock musicians and cute chicks?

Regis: We're going to need an answer.

Gary: I'm going to go with A, since they are Moslems.

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Gary: Yes. Even though God has forsaken me as he did his son, I will still do his bidding and rain death on the unbelievers.

Regis: The correct answer is A, Iraq! We would have also accepted abortion clinics from you. The next question for 40 delegates is: The biggest cause of violence in schools is:

A: Gangs

B: People in trenchcoats

C: Lack of prayer

D: The fact that parents see schools as babysitter who are supposed to teach their kids things like manners, hygiene, morals and social skills on top of reading, writing and 'rithmatic.


Regis: Is that your final answer?

Gary: It is the only answer! Back when we had prayer in school, no one ever got hurt, no one ever got pregnant, no one ever failed and all was right with the world. It was a wonderful time when the sun shone, flowers bloomed and women knew their place was cleaning the house in their prom dresses.

Regis: I'm sorry, the answer, according to the Congress's reaction to recent school shootings is B. Thank you for playing and please leave. You're creeping me out.

<commercial break>

On To Part 3