Who Wants To Be A President
Part 3
Regis: We're back, and we've got 7 candidates left, and only time for one more attempt. So, we auctioned off the next slot, and the winner was, of course, Steve Forbes, who has now spent $40 million to be our next contestant. Steve we're going to start right in, for 10 delegates, your first question is: The fairest system of taxation for the American people would be:
A: A flat tax
B: A national sales tax
C: Legalizing all currently illegal drugs and taxing the Hell out of them
D: A tax system based on ability to pay
Steve: I was the first candidate to advocate a flat tax, but it seems that some people don't believe in it, so I will run ads to make that the correct answer.
Regis: After you spend $35 million on ads, the answer is A!
Steve: And, a flat tax would save me twice that much in 5 years, so I see it as a good investment.
Regis: And for other people?
Steve: There are other people?
Regis: And with that we'll have our next question for 20 delegates: The best kind of religious conversion is:
A: One that comes from a deep spiritual change leading to a new belief system
B: Liking the coffee better at a different church
C: One based on the fact that if you run as a Religious Conservative, you pick up an added 20% in the primaries.
D: Learning that God hates the religion you are in
Steve: I was told by a member of the Christian Coalition that it had something to do with belief, and only one of the answers has belief in it, so I’ll go with that one.
Regis: Is that your final answer?
Steve: It’s not MY final answer, because my final answer is to convert to whatever I have to to become President, but I’m guessing it is YOUR correct answer.
Regis: While it may be condescending and belittling, your answer is correct! Now, for 40 Delegates, what is the biggest problem for the average American family?
A: Crime
B: The price of Pokemon cards
C: Preserving the inheritance they received from their flamboyant and obscenely wealthy father
D: The children sticking knives in the toaster
Steve: I think this is a trick question. I know that MY answer would be C, but you keep hammering home that my answers are always wrong.
Regis: That could be why you keep getting your ass handed to you in polls despite spending $40 million on TV ads.
Steve: <glares at Regis> Or it could also be that I’m ahead of the curve. When I came up with the Flat Tax idea, people laughed at me, and now they can’t wait to use it. I’ll make them sorry, sorry they laughed at me.
Stan Lee: Hey, I wrote that line in the origin of Spider-Man, and as such it’s copyright Marvel Characters Inc., and you can’t use it unless you pay a royalty.
Steve: <pulls out wallet> Here. Here’s more money than Marvel made in the last three years.
Stan: $20?!? That’s great! We’ll be able to feed some of the artists without having to kill any of the writers!
Steve: Where was I?
Regis: We need your answer.
Steve: I have no clue, so I would like to use another lifeline and conduct a poll.
Regis: The poll says that the top concern of American Families is the price of Pokemon cards.
Steve: I’ve never heard of Pokemon, but the polls have always been wrong about me, so I’m going to go with Crime.
Regis: Is that your final answer?
Steve: No!?! I’ll go with Pokemon! I’m such a gutless wimp! <breaks down sobbing>
Regis: Pokemon is correct!
Steve: I rule! I’m the King of the World! No one is as tough as me!
Regis: Now for 80 delegates: How much is a gallon of milk at the grocery store?
A Three dollars
B Twenty dollars
C So that’s where you get that stuff
D Leventy Seven dollars
Steve: You mean people have to buy milk? I thought it just showed up with all the other groceries.
Regis: I’ve heard that most people actually have to go to a big place, pick out the food they want themselves and pay for it after waiting in a big line.
Steve: How barbaric. You’d think that we’d progressed far beyond that by now.
Regis: Go figgure.
Steve: Well, I am going to go with D.
Regis: Is that your final answer?
Steve: Yes. I have heard the term Leventy seven before in the servant’s quarters, and I know they know something about buying groceries.
Regis: I’m sorry, the actual answer is A, three dollars.
Steve: But I had the most delegates, I should win, right?
Regis: I’m sorry, but no. George W. Bush bribed the judges at the beginning of the show, and they made him the winner before we even turned on the cameras.
Steve: Then what was the point of all of this?
Regis: Exactly.