The Solitaire Rose Guide To Helping Distraught Rush Limbaugh Fans.
With the news from today, a lot of your Rush Limbaugh fans are going to be very upset and depressed. What news, you ask, because I couldn't care less about the radio entertainer and Republican party shill? Well, first, he was "allowed to resign" from a job at ESPN doing commentary on football, where he predictably made a racist remark, shocking people who have never heard his show. Now, here at Solitaire Rose Productions don't think he should have been allowed to resign just yet, but instead sent to meet with some of the larger African American football players after they heard not just his remarks from Sunday, but tapes of him telling African American callers to "take the bones out of their nose and call back when they learn to speak English," ridiculing black politicians and mocked Black History Month. Then, after they use him as a tackle dummy for a few hours, THEN he can resign. If the players are done with him.
If this wasn't enough, a news report was released by a tabloid that reported that he is being investigated for allegedly buying thousands of addictive painkillers from a black-market drug ring. The hero of Morality with "Talent on loan from God", but obviously a prescription book on loan from Dr. Feelgood, was turned in by his former housekeeper - who says she was Limbaugh's pill supplier for four years. She says Limbaugh was hooked on the potent prescription drugs OxyContin, Lorcet and hydrocodone - and went through detox twice and paid her $200,000 to destroy her computer which held his e-mails asking for pills. He is also under investigation by The Palm Beach County state attorney's office for drug trafficking in relation to these accusations, and it has been leaked that the housekeeper wore a wire during her last two "pickups" for him.
The Good news is that Rush could be looking at some very serious jail time, and he would get to test out the Mandatory Minimums he supports and campaigns for.
The Bad news is that...
OK, there IS no bad news other than he may be able to get a plea bargain or he might go free like OJ.
But, we here at Solitaire Rose Productions know and understand that many of you MAY have friends who listen to Limbaugh. Who believe him. Who take his advice and listen to no other news source. Who do what he tells them to. Who actually think this lying dirtball is good for more than proving that you can pile monkey crap than 6 feet high without it falling over.
So, to help you deal with your friends, we are going to walk you through the 5 stages of grief that they will be going through and what you should do, as well as what you will want to do.
Stage 1: Denial
The Limbaugh people will tell you that it's all lies and it couldn't possibly be true. They will say that the liberal media is out to get him and this is just all part of their "vast Left Wing Conspiracy." Which, if the story surfaced in "The Nation", "Mother Jones" or some other left wing publication would be a good defense. Except the story was broken by the National Enquirer. Yes, it's a tabloid...owned by Rupert Murdoch, who also owns Fox News. Now, if Fox is part of a Vast Left Wing Conspiracy, this would be the most cunning conspiracy since we were convinced that Madonna had talent.
What you will WANT to do is dance about around them, laughing at their pain and explaining that this is the very best day of your life, and you feel like it is Christmas, your birthday and the day you first got oral sex, all rolled up into one.
What you should do to help them get through this stage is to let them get it all out and reflect the reality of the situation. Let them vent and rant until a commercial break, and then put on FOX News and have them read the ticker at the bottom that repeats the allegation. However, if they are most Limbaugh listeners, they can't read, so let them listen to the news reports and tell them that it's been reported and the court will decide.
Stage 2: Anger
At this point they will start cursing Bill Clinton and blaming it all on him. This a normal Ditto-monkey reaction to anger, as nothing that happens to a conservative is that conservative's fault and is the fault of Bill Clinton or maybe Martin Luther King Jr.
What you will WANT to do is read out loud everything Rush has written about personal responsibility, taking the blame for your actions and how liberals always want to blame other people or society instead of themselves. Then gloat in the joy of seeing people run screaming from their stated beliefs when those beliefs actually may be used against them.
What you should do to help them get through this stage is to remind them that Bill Clinton was too busy subverting Democracy, plotting a return to the White House and playing canasta with Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and Jane Fonda to plant the drugs on Limbaugh. Yeah, it's fantasy bullcrap, but they will believe it and move on to the next stage.
Stage 3: Bargaining
At this point they will start to say that Maybe if they pray hard enough, God will make the bad news go away. Or that Rush will pull together OJ Simpson's legal team. Or that King Bush II will offer him a pardon. Or that maybe it's all a dream and the magic dream fairy will wake them up and make it never was.
What you will WANT to do is after each bargain they offer, laugh and say, "Nope! Next!"
What you should do to help them get through this stage is to help them figure out that the fact that Rush Limbaugh being a drug addict is God showing them that not only are they wrong, but he's coming after them next if they don't change their ways. The remind them that because the courts move so slowly that Bush will lose the next election and be too busy trying to get the courts to appoint him President again before Rush gets to his own trial.
Stage 4, Depression
It is at this stage that they will sit, stare at their radio and say, every so often, "Why? Why why why why?" and sob uncontrollably. They may threaten to self-injure, take the same drugs as Rush or descend into a world of delusion and madness. OK, a DIFFERENT world of delusion and madness than the one they live in where they think Rush Limbaugh is a credible news source. They will complain to you that without Rush they no longer know what to think, who to vote for, what father figure to follow or whether they should blame black people or Hispanics for their problems.
What you want to do is offer them a bottle of pills and a nice bottle of scotch. However, this is a waste of perfectly good scotch. You also will want to ask them to sit in a window so that you can charge people to walk by and laugh at their misfortune. Sadly, this is probably the only open job in America with Bush in charge of the country.
What you should do to help them get through this stage is to tell them to find other Ditto-monkeys to meet with to form an AA-type group where they can discuss their feelings, weep openly, hug enough other and become addicted to coffee and cigarettes, like the people at REAL AA meetings.
Stage 5 Acceptance
It is here, probably when Rush is told he can't do his radio show from his prison cell, due to the screams of pain from him becoming "Tiny's" bitch interrupting his attacks on Hillary Clinton, that they will accept the inevitability that he is gone and isn't coming back. At this stage, they will resume normal productive lives, or they will just say, "I have no one to validate my racist, homophobic, xenophobic and reactionary views. Maybe I will have to start seeing people different than me as actual human beings. Maybe I will start to think for myself and see that there are many different points of view, all of which have kernels of truth and should be questioned with an informed, enlightened opinion. Maybe the people who don't believe as I do have some merit to their beliefs and aren't agents of a vast conspiracy to keep me unhappy. Maybe, just maybe, my unhappiness comes from my own inability to better myself instead of blaming other people who are trying to make the world a more just, fair and evolved place to live."
No. They'll prolly just tell you to sod off and listen to Michael Savage.