Finally, Cory!! Gets a Stalker All His Own
No background needed for this one, kids. Since Cory ascended to merely run the website and cajoled us armadillos into doing all of the damn work, we've been getting more and more mail. Finally, Cory!! Got one of those stalking letters he's been waiting for since he started the website back in 1967.
He hasn't pursued it however, since he is fairly sure that no women are on the internet yet, and this is from a fat guy named Carl with way too much time on his hands. However, if it isn't, Cory!! is free Saturday night, as long as you get to him before they go half price on the Black and Tans at the local pub. ICQ or e-mail him for details. And now, we're not making even more links for it. Do we have to do everything for you? It's all on the front page, fool!
Cory HAS decided to answer the letter here, so all of you, his loving fans, can read it and see just what a lousy rat bastard he is.
Dear Cory!!
Mom?
Um, I know you probably get a lot of fanmail and you probably have like, secretaries to respond to them and stuff, but I'd really like it if you could read mine yourself cause I really think you're the greatest. I read your website all the time, I mean that, all the time.
I didn't know there was enough on it to read all the time. And even with you reading it all the time, my fiction has only gotten two hits this month. Love me, love my fiction!
My favourite part of your website is reading the stuff about you though. You're really sexy. I've seen your pictures and I mean, ohmigod, I want you.
And I want you and your inability to separate Oh, My, and God.
I think we'd be great together y'know?? I mean, I'd so worship you.
Let's see, would I like that....<thinks a bit> Why yes. Yes I would. Let the Idolitry begin.
You are clearly one of the most intelligent people on the planet, not to mention creative.
And you are one of the most perceptive.
I really think we'd get on great together. I was actually a model for the Sears catalogue, and so I think you'd really like me.
Everyone on the internet is a model. Everyone. Even women I have taken pictures of now call themselves Models. I guess, since I have pictures of myself on my website, I am a model too. Wait! I was wearing underwear when the pictures were taken! That makes me an underwear model!
Now if I could figure out how to say that I am a spy or a musician.
I dyed my hair red just for you. I'll send you a pair of my panties if you want me to.
Ew. I have enough laundry to do, thanks.
Or nude pictures. I'll wear fishnet nylons in them if you want. I'll do anything you want me to. ANYTHING.
Good. My house hasn't been dusted since 1993. And I am kind of scared to look behind the fridge, let alone clean back there. Yeah, baby..go, baby...scrub that floor, it gets me so HOT!
I all ready know where you live cause I have people keeping track of you for me,so sending them to you won't be a problem. We could have sex. I can do cool things with my tongue that would impress you. I'd like to have sex with you.
You have people? How did someone like you get people? I'll have my people watch your people. That way we're both paying people who will do nothing that we've paid them to do.
Cause then I could tell everyone that, I, me, has had sex with THE Cory Strode. I'd be the envy of all my friends.
Look, I don't envy someone who has sex with me, I don't think anyone else will either.
I actually have a shrine for you in the corner of my room. I burn candles in front of a printed picture of you, and I place marshmallow peanuts on a dish there for you, to celebrate your greatness.
And the ants thank you for that.
You know how sometimes you get those phonecalls and when you pick the phone up the person on the other end hangs up on you real quick? Well that's me Cory. Yeah, I admit it.
And here the letter falls apart. I am never home, and when I am I don't answer my phone. FOOL! YOU ARE HANGING UP ON MY VOICE MAIL! And it is a bit irritated with you now.
That's how much I adore you. I just want to hear you pick up the phone and say "hi" and it's like you know it's me. I love you Cory. Uh hm. Yep.
The last person who said they loved me denied it for six months straight once she sobered up.
I know you'll love me too. I mean, you're my God. YOu're like, candy and cocaine all rolled into one.
Yep, I rot your teeth, make you paranoid and unable to have sexual relations. That gives me a warm glow deep in my cockles.
Yes. That's right, I said cockles. Deal with it.
And anyway I think we should get together. It'd be great. Keep putting your stuff on the site. Put more about you on there though. Cause it's the best part.
OK, I'll make my site a glorified AOL personal site. Face it. You need to get help. Pleas send me those nude pictures and I'll determine if I can help you.
Sincerely,
Your Greatest Fan
*sigh* I'm still waiting for my biggest fan. On the other hand, my biggest fan is prolly a tattooed guy who clocks in at about 4 bills. So, I guess I'd rather hear from my Greatest fan.
XOXOXO
Is this the new way of spelling Xena?
Sadly, I have not had anyone show up at my door at 3 AM asking to borrow a cup of Cory, so I have to believe that this letter is a hoax. Bastards.