The Weekly News Update for 10/8/2006
This is the Weekly News Update for 10/8/2006 by Cory!! Strode who has successfully defended his title as the Best Dressed Man In Comics for the 10th year in a row.
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In our top story, we are still not going to lead with the Representative Mark Foley “Mastergate” story. We will finally break down and cover it, but dammit, we won't lead with it.
Wait a minute...we did! DAMN!!
OUR top story this week is that Secretary of State Condi Rice visited Baghdad last week and said that she felt that they were “making progress” in the country. Rice also said that what happened in New Orleans last year was just a rain storm; New Coke was a decent drink; and Battlefield Earth was a movie that just hadn't found its audience yet.
Rice's statement that the US was making progress was in direct contradiction to a report that was released a couple of weeks ago that stated the situation in Iraq was “rapidly deteriorating”. Rice said that she had heard of the report, but she learned after the obviously misleading memo from August 2001 that stated “Osama Bin Laden Determined To Attack Inside The US”, she'd learned not to read reports so that she will be telling the truth when she says things like “No one could have imagined Osama Bin Laden would attack inside the US.” It's all part of her new “Figure out how to lie in such a way you don't look like an idiot” program.
As the Mark Foley scandal continues to grow, President Bush said that he feels that embattled House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R – Kept The Fact That Foley Was A Priest A Secret For At Least Two Years) is doing a great job, which means that he screwed up big time. In fact, some people say that Hastert has made such a horrible mess of things that Bush may give him the Medal of Freedom, which he usually only gives to people who have created unmitigated disasters. Bush also says if the scandal continues to grow, he may be forced to create new honors to give Hastert, like “Greatest Person in the whole world” and “Best guy at getting the attention off of Iraq”.
By the way, I want to let everyone know that I have restrained myself from writing any jokes about the fact that one of the people accused of being involved in covering up this sexual scandal is named John Boehner. Heh, Boehner. I figure he had a rough enough time in school, but really, if your name is pronounced “Boner” shouldn't you do everything in your power to make sure you aren't anywhere NEAR a sex scandal?
FOX News has figured out how they are going to report the scandal without causing damage to the Republican party, and on 10/3/2006, the graphics shown on two different FOX “News” shows listed Mark Foley as a Democrat. FOX did not apologize for the mistake and quietly changed the graphic when the shows were rerun after midnight to the correct party affiliation. A FOX spokesRepublican said that they will not apologize for the mistake as it was just an idealogical placeholder until they can figure out a way to blame Foley on Clinton, and that they don't have to worry about any of their viewers needing a fact check because if they wanted facts, they wouldn't be watching FOX News.
Mark Foley's lawyer spent an afternoon with reporters in which he said that Foley was taking responsibility for his actions, but that he had checked in to an alcohol rehabilitation center because the whiskey had been talking for him for a while. The lawyer then added that Foley was molested by a priest. He then said, “Would you believe he's been replaced by a clone from an alternate time line? How about that he was being mind controlled? Possessed by Satan? Manipulated by aliens? Told that if he didn't proposition young boys, terrorists would attack? You people are KILLING me here!”
Joe Lieberman (I – Out To Lunch With Only Himself) said that the way the Mark Foley scandal is being handled is horrible because it is just “another partisan frenzy in Washington” and that he stood behind the leadership of Dennis Hastert. That's Joe Lieberman, everyone, outraged and upset that Bill Clinton had a sexual relationship with a 22 year old woman, and upset that a Congressman is pursuing a sexual relationship with a 16 year boy might reflect badly on the Republicans. We'd make a joke here, but we'll still amazed at the athletic feat of Lieberman's leap of logic.
Later, Joe Lieberman said that he was outraged about the fact that the pictures taken of torture in Abu Gharib were so poorly focused; that the coffins used to ship back soldiers killing in Iraq didn't have FM reception; and violent video games.
North Korea, who has been feeling left out of the international scene for the last few months, has announced that they may test a nuclear weapon within the next couple of weeks. North Korea says that if that doesn't get them the attention they crave, they will pick a fight with Nichole Ritchie, announce that they have been holding the Olsen Twins for over a year, and are currently sending obscene instant messages to 16 year old boys. North Korean Dear Leader Kim Jong Il said in a statement, “I just want to be thought of as one of the cool dictators so that when I put out my album, I can get on talk shows.”
As the funds have been approved for building a 900 mile fence along the border of the US and Mexico, Government officials say that it is unlikely that the fence will be built within the 2 year time frame in the bill, due to restrictions in the bill and a tightening of funds that are to be spent on new construction projects. Congressional Republicans say that even though the put nothing in the bill to make sure the fence was built, they want credit for approving it, and will be using this approach to pass bills saying that the US has won the war in Iraq, the economy is great and the only terrorists left are however many they need to scare people into voting against the Democrats.
Speaking of government funds, Senator Mitch McConnell (R- Fantasyland) put a rider in a bill that appropriated $20 million for a “Celebration of victory in both Afghanistan and Iraq”. McConnell said that he felt this was important because the returning soldiers in Vietnam never got a “Welcome Back” party, and that he felt they could invest the $20 million so that when the soldiers really do come home, the interest will have turned the $20 million into over $100 million. McConnell said that he is also planning for the next “Battlefield Earth” movie, the return of Charles Nelson Reilly to national prominence and the re-re-election of George Bush Sr., saying, “It's always best to be prepared just in case.”
Scientists announced that they have discovered 16 more planets in the Milky Way and showed photographic proof of their discoveries. A despondent Pluto drank an entire bottle of Scotch and watched “When Harry Met Sally” until it passed out drunk and depressed on the couch.
Scientists also reported that Earth is the warmest it has been in over one million years, and they said that this is further proof of Global Warming and its effect on the environment. They said they were able to discover this by studying sediment, taking readings on fossils throughout the ages and repeated phone calls from Earth saying, “Dude, turn down the damn heat!” The Bush Administration dismissed the report, claiming that it was easy to see the scientists didn't take the fact that Earth is only 6000 years old into account, and that maybe the heat was caused by Satan getting ready to invade the Earth with his Weapons of Mass Destruction.
In other science news, a Nobel prize was given to a pair of US scientists whose study of background radiation in space has erased most scientific doubt in the “Big Bang” theory. In their acceptance speech, the scientists pleaded for a country that actually believed in science to take them in. Here in the US, a poll showed that not only do most Americans not believe in the “Big Bang” theory, but a growing minority said they would have no problem with the scientists who prove it being burned as heretics. The people involved in the poll told the scientists not to worry about it, as the American People generally want everyone who hasn't given them at least $20 burned as a heretic.
The Department of Homeland Security has installed multi-million dollar software in their computers to monitor world wide activity and see what the major opinions of the US are around the world. A spokesman for the Department said that they wanted to find out what other countries were saying without actually having to visit or pay attention to those other countries as most of the people in the Department have heard that they smell funny and eat weird food.
Maybe that's what Hugo Chavez smelled and Jerry Falwell thought was Hillary Clinton.
The military has announced that they will be rolling out a new strategy in Iraq over the next month. This will be the fourth announcement that they will be changing strategies, and while the announcements have been quite public, the military refuses to say what the new strategy will be, but most of the soldiers serving hope it will be something other than the current “Tell reporters everything is fine, then duck and cover.”
Also in Iraq, the police have been cited for abusing prisoners, ignoring the law and participating in torture. US officials have said that if the people in charge of the police don't stop these abuses, they will withdraw funding for training of the officers and hire them to work at Guantanamo Bay.
Iraqi government officials have said that they want the Al Qaeda leader Abu Ayyub al-Mosn “Dead or Alive”. The then said that this is a phrase they learned from President Bush which means, “Ignored until it's time to scare people before an election, when he is talked about but no resources are used to find him.”
The #2 man in Al Qaeda released a video tape in which he called President Bush a “deceitful charlatan”. Bush Administration officials are using this tape to say that the Al Qaeda leadership must be on the run, since the tape has to be old, concluding that no one has been called a “charlatan” since the last 19th Century. Bush officials say that they also have records of tapes in which Bush is called a “popinjay” a “mountebank” and a “jive turkey”, showing that Al Qaeda is still trying to catch up in the insult and modern slang arms race.
Finally, southern states are starting to reinstitute corporal punishment in schools for misbehaving students. We here at the Weekly News Update often mock the Southern states of the US, but we would like to applaud the people who choose to spank students, seeing as how they have no idea if the student might have a gun. At the very least, it might give us some news stories that can distract us from the War in Iraq.
That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own!
The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.
I miss OK Soda. It was the only thing in my life that told me things were going to be OK.