of the Coalition of the Willing
For those who are keeping track, here is the latest "Scorecard"
for what the US calls the "Coalition of the Willing"
even though only three of them seem to be willing to do anything
other than say, "OK, we support it, can we have our
financial aid now, please?"
Now, I'm as big a supporter of Palau as anyone, but do we
really know what most of them are giving as part of the
coalition? This should help everyone understand what each country
is contributing to the war effort and why they are, as Donald
Rumsfeld said, a far better coalition than the one in the first
- -Afghanistan, giving us a
country that used to be the one we blamed for 9/11, but
has given up that title to Iran.
- -Albania, Free Albums for
- -Azerbaijan, giving lessons
to people on where they are located on a map, and mints
to put on the pillows of Iraqi POWs
- -Bulgaria, one of the
countries of "New Europe" and a former
satellite of the Soviet Union, they are giving their
expired breakfast cereal.
- -Colombia, supplying our
troops with the finest cocaine so they can march all day
and all of the night while saying, "Did you hear
something? I thought I heard something. And do you think
they are watching us because I KNOW we're being watched,
- -Costa Rica, big floppy hats
- -The Czech Republic, their
assurance that they won't need the US to come in and keep
order during their next election.
- -Denmark, Danishes and
- -El Salvador, Cocaine that
isn't quite as good as the stuff from Columbia and
instructions from the government on how best to kill nuns.
- -England, giving troops,
money and the career of Tony Blair.
- -Eritrea, um...editing?
- -Estonia, proving that we
can get any country that ends with the letters "nia"
to do what we ask them to if we simply give them a break
maker and a coupon at Blockbuster Video.
- -Ethiopia, you're kidding,
right? What can they give us other than leftover "Live
Aid" concert albums?
- -Georgia, making most of the
soldiers from the south happy by letting them think they
won part of the Civil War and that state got to move to
Russia and set up as a separate country.
- -Honduras, Hondas.
- -Hungary, cable descrambler
boxes and GM parts that don't fit quite correctly into GM
- -Iceland, long known for not
being Greenland, Iceland is giving snow for soldiers to
shove down their pants so they don't pass out in the hot
- -Italy, not sending any
troops, money or intelligence, but instead giving
marainara sauce reciepies to all US soldiers when they
return to the US.
- -Japan, Godzilla.
- -Kuwait, standing firmly
behind the US, shouting, "Go get them" while
staying at home, counting their money and dancing the
night away in fetish bars.
- -Latvia, showing that maybe
Fantastic Four villain Dr. Doom does know when to set
aside his differences and join a winning team.
- -Lithuania, a nice fruit
- -Macedonia, Mace.
- -Marshall Islands, their
assurance that they are a separate country and not a part
of the United States.
- -Micronesia, which says that
despite their name, they are not the smallest country in
the coalition, but that their country is surrounded by
cold water, making it SEEM smaller.
- Morocco, (not as joke here
folks) 2000 specially trained mine hunting monkeys. Don't
they realize that this was how it started, and soon these
monkeys will learn to speak, making this into a Planet of
the Apes? Those maniacs!
- -The Netherlands, an odd
case, since their President and legislature have passed a
resolution saying that no troops or money would be spent
on the war in Iraq, they are counted in the Coalition
because they have ordered the war on Pay Per View.
- -Nicaragua, who joined so
that we wouldn't overthrow their government again like we
did repeatedly during the 20th Century.
- -Palau, umbrellas for drinks
and pictures of waterfalls.
- -The Philippines, not really
able to send anything, since they are trying to fight
their own domestic terrorism, but supporting the US as
long as the US sends troops to them at the same time.
- -Poland, allowing jokes
about Polish people to be told for the duration of the
war, without anyone saying, "Hey, that ain't nice."
- -Portugal, cat toys and
- -Romania, more of "New
Europe" they are sending their elite squad of battle
hardened, trigger happy vampires who will help the US
with night raids.
- -Rwanda, in the midst of a
Civil War, a famine and having one of the most corrupt
governments on the face of the Earth, Rwanda is offering
leftover fondue pots and advice on how to hide all the
money made by US companies "rebuilding" Iraq.
- -Singapore, offering canes
and instructions on how to use them properly.
- -Slovakia, a lot of food
that soldiers will look at and say, "I think I'll
stick with the Spam, thanks."
- -Solomon Islands, wisdom and
- -South Korea, Notes that
read, "Hey, North Korea is starting to get a bit
nuts, can you please pay some attention to them?"
and information on things to do in South Korea when the
soldiers have to go there to fight after this war.
- -Spain, again, no troops, no
money, but photo opportunities with George W. Bush and
information on how to have a mustache and not look like a
- -Turkey, Flyover rights and
worries about if they will try to take over 1/3rd of the
country so that the war can go just a little less smooth.
- -Uganda, Idi Amin's old
medals and letters from the CIA telling him what a great
job he is doing.
- -Uzbekistan, leftovers from
the war in Afghanistan and the location of every oil well
in the country so that they don't become part of the
updated Axis of Evil.
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