Contributions of the Coalition of the Willing

For those who are keeping track, here is the latest "Scorecard" for what the US calls the "Coalition of the Willing" even though only three of them seem to be willing to do anything other than say, "OK, we support it, can we have our financial aid now, please?"

Now, I'm as big a supporter of Palau as anyone, but do we really know what most of them are giving as part of the coalition? This should help everyone understand what each country is contributing to the war effort and why they are, as Donald Rumsfeld said, a far better coalition than the one in the first Gulf War.

• -Afghanistan, giving us a country that used to be the one we blamed for 9/11, but has given up that title to Iran.
• -Albania, Free Albums for all soldiers!
• -Azerbaijan, giving lessons to people on where they are located on a map, and mints to put on the pillows of Iraqi POWs
• -Bulgaria, one of the countries of "New Europe" and a former satellite of the Soviet Union, they are giving their expired breakfast cereal.
• -Colombia, supplying our troops with the finest cocaine so they can march all day and all of the night while saying, "Did you hear something? I thought I heard something. And do you think they are watching us because I KNOW we're being watched, man."
• -Costa Rica, big floppy hats and coffee.
• -The Czech Republic, their assurance that they won't need the US to come in and keep order during their next election.
• -Denmark, Danishes and coffee.
• -El Salvador, Cocaine that isn't quite as good as the stuff from Columbia and instructions from the government on how best to kill nuns.
• -England, giving troops, money and the career of Tony Blair.
• -Eritrea, um...editing?
• -Estonia, proving that we can get any country that ends with the letters "nia" to do what we ask them to if we simply give them a break maker and a coupon at Blockbuster Video.
• -Ethiopia, you're kidding, right? What can they give us other than leftover "Live Aid" concert albums?
• -Georgia, making most of the soldiers from the south happy by letting them think they won part of the Civil War and that state got to move to Russia and set up as a separate country.
• -Honduras, Hondas.
• -Hungary, cable descrambler boxes and GM parts that don't fit quite correctly into GM cars.
• -Iceland, long known for not being Greenland, Iceland is giving snow for soldiers to shove down their pants so they don't pass out in the hot desert sun.
• -Italy, not sending any troops, money or intelligence, but instead giving marainara sauce reciepies to all US soldiers when they return to the US.
• -Japan, Godzilla.
• -Kuwait, standing firmly behind the US, shouting, "Go get them" while staying at home, counting their money and dancing the night away in fetish bars.
• -Latvia, showing that maybe Fantastic Four villain Dr. Doom does know when to set aside his differences and join a winning team.
• -Lithuania, a nice fruit basket.
• -Macedonia, Mace.
• -Marshall Islands, their assurance that they are a separate country and not a part of the United States.
• -Micronesia, which says that despite their name, they are not the smallest country in the coalition, but that their country is surrounded by cold water, making it SEEM smaller.
• Morocco, (not as joke here folks) 2000 specially trained mine hunting monkeys. Don't they realize that this was how it started, and soon these monkeys will learn to speak, making this into a Planet of the Apes? Those maniacs!
• -The Netherlands, an odd case, since their President and legislature have passed a resolution saying that no troops or money would be spent on the war in Iraq, they are counted in the Coalition because they have ordered the war on Pay Per View.
• -Nicaragua, who joined so that we wouldn't overthrow their government again like we did repeatedly during the 20th Century.
• -Palau, umbrellas for drinks and pictures of waterfalls.
• -The Philippines, not really able to send anything, since they are trying to fight their own domestic terrorism, but supporting the US as long as the US sends troops to them at the same time.
• -Poland, allowing jokes about Polish people to be told for the duration of the war, without anyone saying, "Hey, that ain't nice."
• -Portugal, cat toys and party favors.
• -Romania, more of "New Europe" they are sending their elite squad of battle hardened, trigger happy vampires who will help the US with night raids.
• -Rwanda, in the midst of a Civil War, a famine and having one of the most corrupt governments on the face of the Earth, Rwanda is offering leftover fondue pots and advice on how to hide all the money made by US companies "rebuilding" Iraq.
• -Singapore, offering canes and instructions on how to use them properly.
• -Slovakia, a lot of food that soldiers will look at and say, "I think I'll stick with the Spam, thanks."
• -Solomon Islands, wisdom and pineapples.
• -South Korea, Notes that read, "Hey, North Korea is starting to get a bit nuts, can you please pay some attention to them?" and information on things to do in South Korea when the soldiers have to go there to fight after this war.
• -Spain, again, no troops, no money, but photo opportunities with George W. Bush and information on how to have a mustache and not look like a homosexual.
• -Turkey, Flyover rights and worries about if they will try to take over 1/3rd of the country so that the war can go just a little less smooth.
• -Uganda, Idi Amin's old medals and letters from the CIA telling him what a great job he is doing.
• -Uzbekistan, leftovers from the war in Afghanistan and the location of every oil well in the country so that they don't become part of the updated Axis of Evil.

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