8/26/2000
It has happened. I know that a lot of people talk about love all the time. Most of them are on soap operas or in bars where they have bad music playing so loud you can barely hear the women in tight black dresses saying that they don’t want you to buy them a drink, sit with them, or even be in the same hemisphere as them, but I have heard about love nonetheless. I have always dismissed love with the phrase "Bah!", because I dismiss most things with the phrase "Bah!"
Cory, do you want to have this last piece of pie?
Bah!
Cory do you want to give money to the Republican Party so that they can give tax breaks to people who can afford accountants to keep them from paying taxes in the first place?
Bah!
Cory, do you think you will even fall in love with anyone?
Other than Parker Posey?
Bah and Double Bah!
I don’t fall in love, I step in it. Then, I have to spend the next few months scraping it off my shoe and spraying the house with Glade to get rid of the stench. The last time I fell in love it all collapsed in a heap, heaving its last few breaths in an Iron Lung. I finally had to unplug it because the sound was keeping me up late at night.
Wait, that wasn’t love. That was my goldfish, Violent G, The King of the Sea.
Sorry. I get the two confused.
Anyway, the last time I was involved in a love relationship, it didn’t go quite as I had hoped it would. I though that I would find a beautiful, intelligent woman who I could talk about the important things in life with. Someone with whom I could share dreams, hopes, fears and my innermost self. And for while, I had it. But eventually, I discovered the sad truth, my love was a sham, and turned out to be a dolphin who had bought a human suit and was conducting an experiment in seeing how many fish it would be able to get from an unsuspecting human. I should have known something was up when I would ask her what kind of pizza she wanted and she would reply "a herring and kelp pizza." I thought that she was just trendy.
<sigh>
But all that has changed. My life is important again. I have found a love that asks nothing of me but that I am who I am. I am no longer judged, I no longer have to play games, or worry that I might say something that might upset the relationship. It is as strong as carbon fiber and as durable as the new Dodge Dakota (OK, I have to start putting in some product placement. You cheap bastards aren’t buying memberships, and this site costs a lot of money. There is my liquor store bill to consider, and not enough of you seem to care.). Love is eternal, caring, never trying or a burden. It is the kind of love I have dreamed of since I was a small child and saw the deep, enduring love that Rob Petrie had for his wife Laura, even when she got her toe stuck in the faucet of the bathtub.
I want nothing more than just to spend time with the object of my affection, reveling in the simple fact that we have found each other. I feel that we are soulmates, meant for each other since the dawn of time. In fact, I have a lot of trouble believing in the kind of spiritualism that it conjures forth, but I think that in previous lives we have been together. Teacher and student, brother and sister (when we were reincarnated as sibling/spouses in South Texas), parent and child (also in Texas), light and dark, yin and yang, toast and jam, mashed potatoes and gravy, um…ok, maybe you can tell that I skipped my lunch to write this.
Where was I?
Oh, that’s right, how we are meant for each other. We are thinking of getting each other’s names tattooed on our ring fingers, so that if we do happen to have a disagreement and it all ends in a break-up, it will be that much harder to pawn the rings this time. We are planning a ceremony in celebration of our love. Nothing as mundane as a wedding, but more a celebration of love through the ages. Some of my family says that our re-enactment of the love scenes from each of Shakespeare’s plays is a bit pretentious and over the top, but I think that it merely shows that the love that Macbeth had for his wife pales in comparison to what I feel for my immortal beloved. And while some may say that Macbeth is a bad analogy for love, look at what she did for him! She went through the rest of her life with dirty hands. All for love! Most puny marriages and promise ceremonies pale in comparison to the deep and abiding connection we have. We have two hearts that beat as one. One life that is forged from two. One credit card bill from two credit cards!
Now, I have kept my new a love a secret for a number of reasons, some of which I am willing to discuss, such as the fact that being this much in love has kept me from touring as the newest member of the Backstreet Boys, and some that will have to wait until the time is right. Maybe of you will be outraged when I tell you the whole story, but there is nothing I can do to stop that. I just have to say what I feel and the heart knows what it wants.
Click here for a picture of my immortal beloved, and don’t be surprised when you see me with my love on the cam.