The Weekly News Update for 7/30/2006
This is the Weekly News Update for 7/30/2006 by Cory!! Strode, lost in time, lost in space and meaning.
Me-ee-eaning.
The Weekly News Update is brought to you by South Park, who would like to remind you that we told you all along that Mel Gibson was a nut job, but YOU thought it was a joke.
Before we start the news, we have been asked to post this statement from Hollywood star Mel Gibson:
Hi. This is Mel Gibson.
I am warning all of you about THE JEWS!!! THE JEWS RUN THE WORLD AND CAUSE ALL OF THE WARS OF THE WORLD!!! Go to Wal-Mart and buy my movie to see how THE JEWS KILLED OUR LORD AND SAVIOR! THE FILTHY, FILTHY JEWS!!!
Ignore the apology on my website, since I was forced to make it by Jews. They told me that I'd have to go back to making Lethal Weapon movies instead of movies to take money from religious people who also hate THE JEWS but are scared to say so.
Now, give me another drink.
Thank you,
Mel Gibson
PS - THE JEWS!!!!!
And now, back to the news.
In our top story, the Middle East is still at war. Experts believe this will continue as long as there are human beings on Earth.
As the fighting continues, the chief of UN operations in the area and French representative have both called for a cease fire, and have asked the parties to come to the negotiating table. This official entreaty was met with indifference by Hezbollah leaders, and sarcasm by Israeli leaders who said, “A cease fire? That would be GREAT. We NEVER would have thought of that on our own! We'll just settle our differences with a cook off and a volley ball game.” Israel then gave an official response by blowing up the UN observation post and ordered their military to “pants” all of the representatives from the French delegation.
At the official cease fire talks in Rome, no consensus was reached, with European and Arab negotiators asking for Israel to stop its offensive against Hezbollah, leaving it battered by defiant, and the US arguing that Israel should be allowed to have more time to defeat Hezbollah as part of the wider war on terror. Most of the representatives said that they did not believe Condaleeza Rice did not take the talks seriously, as the US has said that it is not time for a cease fire yet and did not want to take part in the talks initially. Rice defended her statement, and when asked when she thought it would be a good time for a cease fire, she said, “I'm not sure, but as long as they are fighting each other, no one is paying attention to how screwed up Iraq is, and that's a good thing for me!'
Speaking of Iraq, the Prime Minister of that country announced six weeks ago that he was starting a campaign to heighten security in Baghdad, and we've all seen how well that worked out. This is not the first failure for the new Prime Minister, who is probably best known for his previous campaigns:
-”Carrottop: Misunderstood Genius”
-A campaign to get people to have soup for breakfast
-A plan to make Calcutta a hot destination for college students
during spring break
-A campaign to become Prime Minister or Iraq, which failed, since
he was elected and has to be in charge of the country.
Here in the Unites States, the issue of President Bush's “signing statements” has started to gain traction, with the American Bar Association claiming that President Bush's practice of signing bills and then writing a statement that he either will not enforce the law or the law does not apply to the Executive branch is a violation of the Constitutional concept of “Balance of Powers”. President Bush said that he agreed with the ABA and he would quit using signing statements to assert that he was above the laws he signed, but he attached a signing statement to his message to the ABA that read that he felt the ABA had no power over him, and he would therefor flip them the bird at every opportunity and if they didn't like it, they could suck it.
President Bush said that he has started using signing statements in all parts of his life and they have made it much easier to tell his daughters that he proud of him, that his wife does not look fat in that dress and that Donald Rumsfeld is not as crazy as a soup sammich.
Congressional leaders are urging that a law be passed before the end of the current session that would allow for the kind of eavesdropping President Bush has authorized. The members of Congress said that they feel putting the law in place will stop criticism that the eavesdropping program is illegal and in violation of the Constitution, and is a part of their “Make it legal after Bush does it” program. Other laws they are looking to put in place would allow the Vice President to shoot someone in the face “if he felt he had to”, allow the President to send troops into war without approval from anyone other than his imaginary friend and to give the President the authority to spend up to a month knee deep in crack and hookers. Said one Congressional spokesman, “We aren't saying that the President HAS spent a month knee deep in crack and hookers, but if he does, we want to make sure that he's covered. I mean, it's a really stressful job, and if that's how he can blow off some steam, who are we to say it's not OK?”
A Congressional report has shown that contracts rewarded through the Department of Homeland Security have been abused, with companies putting in large cost over-runs without proper approval, payments being approved without a submitted plan for how the money is to be spent, and projects that have little or nothing to do with Homeland Security being paid for by the Department. A spokesman for the Department said, Some may see this as an example of poor planning and government waste, but we see it as a triumph, since it has taken other Departments decades to reach this level of waste and fraud, and we were able to do it in three!”
Former Liberian Dictator and the man whose name is on all of my shoes Charles Taylor has released a statement from his prison cell in the Hague as he await trial for genocide and mass murder in which he states that he is unhappy with the food he is being served in jail. Taylor went on to say, “I had no idea that prison could be so horrible. If any of my actions caused someone to be subjected to something as bad as Tuna Tetrazinni, then I truly deserve whatever punishment is coming my way.”
In Iraq...oh come on, you remember Iraq. Oh sure, there's a new war, younger, hotter and with fewer American in danger, but there's still the Iraq war. Is your attention leaving the Iraq war for that younger war between Israel and Lebanon? Bastards, after the Iraq war ha spent YEARS giving you something to talk about and spend your tax money on. You people make me sick. Fine, I'll keep covering Iraq while you go to your fancy new war on your fancy new cable news networks, but you'll be back. Oh, you'll be back, and Iraq will laugh at you and tell you it's not interested.
Anyway, Iraq's Prime Minister announced that his six week program to increase security and decrease violence in Baghdad had mixed results. Yes, violence has increased rather than decreased, the number of bombings continues to go up, and reports are the over 100 citizens a day are being killed in the increased fighting, but the Prime Minister asked people to concentrate on the gains they have made during his six week program such as getting the local Baghdad radio stations to quit playing that annoying “Rolling” song, and people did take advantage of his “Don't shoot anyone all day and get half price ice cream cones” plan. He said that looking at how his plan to decrease violence actually increased it, he was introducing a plan to increase violence so that if the plan works, he can call it a success, and if violence decreases, he can tell people that he learned doing the opposite got the results he wanted.
In business news, GM announced that they lost $3.2 Billion in the second quarter company analysts said that GM's plan to power their plants by burning dollar bills has not worked out was well as they thought it would, and contributed to their losses.
The city of Las Vegas has made it illegal to feed homeless people in the parks, putting into doubt the annual “Homeless Rant Picnic” where homeless people from all over the nation gather to yell at one another incoherently and trade potato salad recipes. Vegas officials said it is sill legal to feed homeless people $3.99 “all you can eat” buffets, endless pancakes and shrimp cocktails that look like they were first put together during the Reagan Administration, as long as they don't try to take them to the park and eat them.
Retail giant Wal-Mart has announced that they would be shutting down operations in Germany due to profitability, and that they would be selling their stores to a local German chain. Wal-Mart said that they believed the German Government wanted them to fail by disallowing them to ship in illegal Mexican workers, much as they do in their other operations. A spokesman for Wal-Mart said, “We were will to do a number of things to make our plan more palatable to German authorities, like putting air holes in the crates we use for shipping illegal workers, and leaving a lot of shredded newspaper in with them, but they said something about 'cruel and unusual' in a weird language, so we decided to just ignore them, take our knock-off merchandise and go back to what we are best at: Selling cheap crap to indiscriminate American consumers.”
In other news, an exotic dancer was arrested last week in New Jersey when it was discovered that she had a severed human hand and 7 human skulls in her apartment. When she was arrested, the dancer said that she was just doing her part to keep tabloid newspapers in business, and felt that it had been far too long since the New York Post had been able to do a story about severed human body parts and strippers.
Most of the US is suffering from a record heat wave, with temperatures breaking records in the Midwest and Northeast. Government officials have developed plans to help people affected such as: Diverting power across the electric grid to help with record electricity demand, having police check on elderly citizens who may have their health affected by the heat and making it legal to beat everyone who says “Hot enough for you” into a coma with a baseball bat.
Finally, in a recent interview, Ann Coulter said that she believed that both Former President Bill Clinton and Former Vice President Al Gore were gay. Ann, I had no idea that you asked them out, and let's be honest, them turning you down makes me think they AREN'T gay, since they clearly aren't attracted to people with huge Adam's Apples. Besides, your reaction leads me to believe my old theory that you are really a man in disguise, since it's pretty much common for a guy to say someone is gay when they turn him down.
That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own!
The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.