The Weekly News Update for 7/23/2006

The Weekly News Update for 7/23/2006

This is the Weekly News Update for 7/23/2006 by Cory!! Strode who writes his lines on everyone around him so that he doesn't have to memorize them.

The Weekly News Update is brought to you by the movie “Little Man,” which proves that there really isn't an idea that is too stupid to be made into a feature film. Coming next summer by the Wayan's Brothers will be their adaptation of the takeout menu at whatever bar they have their pitch meeting in.

IN our top story this week: As World War III (according to Fox News) heat up, the US has put together a plan to evacuate all of the US citizens in Lebanon using a Luxury cruise liner that was in the area. This would be the second time the Bush Administration has turned to luxury cruise liners when there is a need to evacuate people, the first time being during Hurricane Katrina. This is not the only odd thing about the Bush Administration's plans to respond to disasters, and some observers believe that the plans show that the Administration might be out of touch with the lives of average Americans, such as:

-People who have their homes destroyed by tornadoes are advised to take shelter in the servant's quarters, and to wait for their homes to be rebuilt in their place in the Hamptons
-People who are without electricity are advised to buy a treadmill that can be used as a generator and have the butler job until power is restored
-People who are displaced due to outsourcing are to ask their favorite Saudi Prince for the money to start yet another business.

When asked about this plan, White House spokesman Tony Snow said that it is because they have turned over disaster relief to the Private Sector and the winning bid was submitted by “The Price Is Right.” He said that they are looking forward to how the company would help with this year's hurricane season, as they are planning a “showcase showdown” where some evacuees will get a new car and some will be sent home.

There was a minor controversy when the White House announced that evacuees would have to reimburse the government for the use of the cruise ship. When this was reported, a large number of Congressmen complained and the White House said that they would evacuate the US citizen in Lebanon for free, but advised evacuees to tip really well on the cruise ship or risk having something they weren't expecting put into their shrimp cocktails.

President Bush signed his first veto this week, rejecting a bill that would have provided federal funding for stem cell research. Bush signed the veto surrounded by “snowflake” babies, so called because they were all adopted frozen embryos and were all as white as the driven snow. Bush said that the use of frozen embryos for developing stem cells was wrong, and that it “crosses a moral boundary that our decent society needs to respect.” Bush said that he planned the ceremony to show that he believes that every life is sacred and the government must never be involved in the taking of human life. He then announced that he was calling up more troops for Iraq, that he didn't feel the time was right to call for a cease fire between Israel and Lebanon, and that he was having Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez look into making stealing cable and downloading movies a crime punishable by the death penalty.

While Bush denounced the research, it should be noted that he has done nothing to stop the “morally reprehensible” research from being done by private industry, which means that while it is wrong for the government to do research on frozen embryos, drug companies are free to do so. Bush said that this is not a case of cognitive dissonance, but fits in with his long held belief that if a corporation does something, it is morally right, even if it is wrong for government to do. White House spokesman Tony Snow said, “That's why it's OK for Defense contractors to torture people, but wrong for soldiers who get caught to do so. I don't see what the problem is.”

Some observes have said that the White House's position to remove stem cell research from the public realm and put in into the private realm will make it so that only profit motivated companies will have access to the technology and will treat it the way they have drug research, placing the price so high that only the wealthy can afford the treatment. When asked about this, White House spokesman Tony Snow said, “And you're surprised by this? Where the hell have you been for the last five years?”

Fox News, Newt Gingrich, and other prominent Republican leaders are continuing to say that the conflict between Israel and Lebanon should be called “World War III”, and Gingrich said at a Republican fund raiser that everyone in the Republican Party should be referring to World War III to “energize the base.” Some say that this strategy might backfire, causing many members of the Republican base to sit home on election day and wait for the Rapture, but we here at the Weekly News Update look forward the World War III and have established a “Thunderdome” on the Solitaire Rose Productions compound. We have also made friends with both monkeys and cockroaches so that whichever one takes over after the war, we will have strong alliances with the dominant species.

North Korea announced that they would reject the warning from the UN over their missile testing program, saying that they do not need the international body's approval to defend itself from Western aggression North Korean leader Kim Jong Il also announced other things that the UN could not stop him from doing, and said he would be eating candy for dinner, running with scissors and staying up all night watching scary movies no matter what President Bush said. President Bush is reported to have said that the dictator could do all of those things, but not to call him on the hot line when he'd cut himself, had a tummy ache and couldn't go to sleep without having nightmares.

In court news, Michael Jackson lost a judgment and has been ordered to pay around $900,000 to a man who sued him. This has gotten little coverage since Jackson was not sued for anything about little boys and was able to keep his face from sliding off of his skull for the entire proceedings.

Iraq continues to suffer from violence and kidnappings, even though the US news media has moved on to other wars. The fickle lousy rat bastards. What, the war in Iraq has gotten a bit older, isn't keeping itself in shape and doesn't give the kind of “happy ending” that reporters like any more?

In Iraq, the head of the Olympic Committee was kidnapped by insurgents. No ransom demands have been set, but Iraqi officials believe that this could be a tryout by a group of insurgents for the new version of the biathlon in which athletes are to kidnap someone, then ski for 50 miles, stopping every 5 miles to get the kidnapping victim to record a message at certain TV cameras.

While at the G8 summit in Russia, President Bush said that he was concerned about Russia's consolidation of power and repression of the press, and that they should look to form the kind of Democracy that had formed in Iraq. Russian President Putin said that he was not interested in that kind of Democracy, what with all of the bombings and the gunfire and the kidnappings and the GLAVIN, HEY LADY! LAAAAAAADY!

OK, there were a LOT of stories about Bush coming out of the G8 summit that were worthy of being covered here. From his swearing and talking with his mouth full in front of an open microphone, to giving the leader of Germany an unwanted and creepy neck rub, but we here at the Weekly News Update don't know why anyone thinks what Bush did is surprising. He did learn diplomacy from watching “Ernest Goes To An International Summit” and had “Larry The Cable Guy” as his advisor on the trip. We should all be lucky he wear a suit made out of frisky ferrets because he screwed up the hair dryer.

Outed CIA operative Valerie Plame announced that she would be suing Vice President Dick Cheney, Presidential Sith Lord Karl Rove and Indicted Perjurer I. Lewis “He's over 12 so I won't call him “Scooter” Libby for leaking her CIA status to reporters to retaliate for her husband's editorial that there was no evidence that Iraq had purchased uranium from Niger. A White House lawyer said that they believe the case to be baseless, since no one at the White House could have “outed” Plame, since no one thought she was gay. When asked to comment, Vice President Dick Cheney said, “And I will strike down upon her with great vengeance and FURIOUS anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you!”

A Federal judge struck down Nebraska's ban on gay marriage, saying that it was Unconstitutional The ruling took many observers by surprise, since they had no idea that there were any gay people in Nebraska. OK, they were surprised that there were any actual PEOPLE in Nebraska, thinking that the state had been completely given over to sentient tractors back in the 80's.

The new Prime Minister of Iraq is preparing for a visit to the US, but has shown that he is willing to put forth ideas that may not be popular with the Bush Administration, such as his announcement that he would like all International Troops out of Iraq by 2008 after President Bush said that he foresaw the next President elected in 2008 having to develop the withdrawal plan. Last week, the Prime Minister said that he would be pushing for US soldiers who are accused of rape and torture to be tried in Iraq under Islamic law. President Bush said that he is willing to listen to anything the duly elected leader of Iraq, and he would do so as soon as Iraq had a real election as opposed to the three “practice” elections they have had so far.

The Senate voted last week to extend the Voting Rights Act after Republican Leadership dragged its feet for over a year by not allowing the legislation to come up for a vote. The measure extends the law which outlaws discriminatory practices aimed at making it harder for minorities to vote, and most Senators voted for the bill, saying that the last 25 years have shown that most people in American really couldn't be bothered to vote, so it shouldn't cause any major harm to things, but if that changes, they still have the option to take away the protections in 25 years.

You know why this Weekly News Update isn't as good as I want it to be? Not enough monkeys. EVERYTHING is better with monkeys. Or redheads. But not redheaded monkeys, because that's just wrong.

Former leader of the Christian Coalition Ralph Reed lost in his bid to become the Lieutenant Governor of Georgia due to his involvement in the Jack Abramoff scandal. Reed was accused of accepting campaign funds that came from Indian gambling after years of denouncing gambling as evil and immoral, including a prominent campaign by him to discontinue the Alabama lottery. Reed said that he was not likely to seek elective office again and would be devoting his time to praying that the people who voted against him die of some horrible disease or from being sat on by an overweight panda.

Finally, a study shows that there are now over 12 million people blogging on the Internet According to the study, approximately 15,000 of those blogs have interesting content that provides a look into someone's life or belief system in an interesting way and the rest of the blogs are about cats, how annoying parents are or asking why no one likes the blogger. Th study say that the number of blog will double in the next five years, but the number of blogs worth reading will dwindle to seven and will all involve people dressing their cats to look like famous philosophers or super-models.

That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own!

Over 10 million people went to see “Little Man” the first two weeks it was out. Maybe it IS time for civilization to be wiped out for its sins.

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