The Weekly News Update for 7/10/2006
This is the Weekly News Update for 7/10/2006 by Cory!! Strode, who has decided that the biggest threat after Global Warming is people saying, “That must be why this summer is so hot.”
The Weekly News Update is brought to you by Illegal Fireworks who remind you that hands and fingers are temporary, but the memories of blowing things up is forever!
In our top story this week, North Korea celebrated the US's Independence Day by firing off a series of test missiles. North Korean leader Kim Jong Il said that he felt North Korea had the right to test its weapons, and that the international community has no power to stop him. He then had his office release a statement that read, “Nanny nanny boo boo, stick your head in doo doo” and said that they would continue to test missiles any time they felt they weren't getting enough attention.
President Bush, who once claimed in a speech that he would not allow North Korea to achieve the technology to fire long range missiles said that it was the policy few the US to allow diplomacy to work, and said that he would be patient as they worked through diplomatic channels to deescalate the crisis. Most observers say that this is further proof that Bush has been replaced by an incredible simulation, quite possibly the actor who toured the US as “BushMania” a few years ago. Others say that this is perfectly in keeping with the Bush Administration policy of invading countries without weapons and attacking those who don't.
Speaking of President Bush, he recently said in an interview with CNN”s Larry King that “He'd rather be right than popular.” Too bad King didn't ask “What if you're neither?”
North Korean leader Kim Jong Il also said in a speech a few days before laughing missiles that if the US or any of its allies attempted to stop it from pursuing defensive weapons, they were fully prepared to start a nuclear war. Jong Il said that since his country had nothing worth bombing, he wasn't concerned about a retaliatory attack, and with Bush in office, he was sure that if North Korea attacked the US, the US would respond by attacking Brazil or Venezuela.
Here in the US, the state of New Jersey was shut down due to a budget impasse between the legislature and the Governor's office. Most state departments were shut down, including casinos, road construction and parks. Residents of New Jersey were shocked to discover that the state actually had parks until they discovered that they were mostly used for storage of garbage and dumping of bodies.
The presidential election in Mexico has become incredibly controversial, with less than 200,000 votes separating the conservative candidate from the liberal candidate, and the country split along party lines, with people in the north voting for the conservative candidate and the south voting for the liberal candidate. International agencies are looking into allegations of vote tempering because the results are so much different from the exit polling, but the Bush Administration, who has been working with the Conservative candidate, said that there is no voting irregularity, and that they believe the discrepancy is from Mexican voters who were not smart enough to vote properly and accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan. When reminded that Pat Buchanan wasn't even ON the ballot in Mexico, they said, “Sorry, we were just recycling all of our old notes from the Florida vote. You know what we mean, liberal are stupid, votes were lost, blah blah blah.”
Former Enron Chairman Kenneth Lay passed away from a heart attack last week. Observers were shocked by this development, saying that Lay presented himself in good shape, and no one had any idea he had a heart. Because of Lay's death, there are now serious questions pertaining to the Government's seizing of his assets, since Lay was unable to appeal the guilty verdict against him. Government officials said that they were looking into the situation while Lay's wife decided that she was going to attempt to get over her husband's death by spending money as fast as humanly possible and asked reporters how much they wanted for their cameras and jewelry.
The CIA quietly shut down the department that had been charged with finding Osama Bin Laden last week with no explanation. The people who were assigned to finding the mastermind behind the terrorist organization that attacked the US on 9/11/2001 have been reassigned to more important details such as finding Senator Rick Santorum's sanity, attempting to get pictures of Tom Cruise's daughter and checking MySpace accounts of teenage girls to see if there is a disturbing, yet arousing upswing in lesbianism.
Speaking of Osama Bin Laden and how utterly insignificant he is, he released another audio tape last week in which he mourned the death of Al-Zarquawi, complained about the officiating in the World Cup and wished the people who were once changed with hunting him well in their new jobs. He apologized to them for hiding so well and said that if there were ever other people assigned to finding him, he'd try to put together a decent puzzle to make it easier for them to find him, like a Suduko or something.
Here in the US, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez has said that he feels the Supreme Court's ruling that the prisoner in Guantanamo Bay are subject to US laws and protections as well as the protections of the Geneva Conventions will “hamper” the “War on Terror” (TM). Gonzalez, who famously wrote the legal opinion that the prisoners had no rights and could therefor be tortured said that while he will go along with the Court's ruling, he had purchases a large amount of small animals to torture, saying that he feels they might have information that could lead to the arrest of terrorists, rather than doing something like... say... having a CIA task force in charge of finding Osama Bin Laden.
In response to the Supreme Court ruling that the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay were subject to Geneva Convention protection, the House has proposed a number of different bills to attempt to circumnavigate the ruling such as:
-A law that Guantanamo Bay was no longer
considered to be “on Earth”, and therefor not subject
to Earthly rulings
-Passing a law that terrorists are no longer human and therefor
have no human rights
-Changing “Geneva Fries” to “Freedom Fries”
Most observers believe that the House will deal with this issue the way they have dealt with every other issue involving the White House breaking laws: Pass a law that makes whatever the White House does be retroactively legal and apologizing for not thinking to make it legal sooner.
Bush has said he was looking into having the US switch from the Geneva Convention to the San Diego Comic Book Convention to regulate treatment of prisoners. It means that prisoners will dressed like anime characters, be unable to see women and forced to smell unwashed fanboys for up to five days straight.
In business news from last week, three people were arrested for attempting to steal Coca-Cola's future business plans. The charges state that they were trying to steal the plans in order to sell to Pepsi. Pepsi has denied any knowledge of the attempted theft, stating that corporate espionage is against their company policies unless they don't get caught. Coke said that because of the theft, they would be delaying their plans to think up three or four different names for Diet Coke, adding to Diet Coke, Coke Zero and Coke Light the new brands: Sugarless Coke, Empty Coke, Coke for Tubby Bastards and Buy Coke And No One Gets Hurt.
President Bush turned 60 last week, and the occasion was marked in the White House in the normal way Bush celebrates his birthday: A trip to Chuck E. Cheese, a ride on a pony and Bush choosing what country he will invade next. And, in case you're interested, the country Bush picked this year was Switzerland in retaliation for the Geneva Conventions.
The Conservative news media has been working overtime to vilify the New York Times, claiming that they have done irreparable harm to the “War On Terror” for reporting on the program the Government uses to track money to terrorists. In response, the CIA has announced that they are putting together a task force to attempt to track down the New York Times, and they would be using some of the same people in charge of finding Osama Bin Laden, so they expected them to find out nothing and be disbanded once the talking heads on FOX News found something else to keep from reporting what a snake pit Iraq had devolved into.
Speaking of good news out of Iraq, it has been reported that graffiti from the “Aryan Nation” has been spotted in Baghdad, and some news outlets are reporting that some members of the military are members of White Power groups. The military is deny these reports and says that they have a strict policy against members of the military belonging to hate groups and they would be enforcing that policy by saying that anyone who they discover having membership in the Aryan Nation or other “White Power” groups would be punished by having to stay in Iraq for at least an extra six months.
The European Union regulators announced that they would be fining Microsoft over their decision not to comply with a 2004 ruling that they make it easier for non-Microsoft software to be installed. Microsoft said that they would appeal the decision and they felt that they had nothing wrong. A spokesman for Microsoft said that they believed it was easy to install competing programs and they should not be fined because the people in Europe weren't quite smart enough to figure it out. When asked by a reporter if he thought it was a good idea to insult customers, he said, “What are they going to do? We control the world! Bwa-ha-ha!”
That's the news. If you don't like it, make your own!
The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.
Do you think the British celebrate the Fourth of July because it's when they finally got rid of the US?