The Weekly News Update for 6/19/2006
This is the Weekly News Update for 6/19/2006 by Cory!! Strode, who thinks that sneaking into a country and spending a couple of hours in a military fortification should not count as showing that that country is safe. Having a Starbucks that doesn't blow up before the next Starbucks opens shows when a country is safe.
The Weekly News Update is brought to you by frozen crustless peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Answering the question “Why are Americans considered lazy and fat?”
President Bush visited Iraq last week, surprising even Cabinet members who didn't know about the visit. Bush left the Cabinet meeting early, stating that he wasn't feeling good and was going to go read a book, which should have struck them as suspicious. Bush has other “code” phrases that members of his staff have been able to decipher, such as:
-“I'm going to see what the opposition has to say” means “I've got my ear piece in so I can listen to Ann Coulter while some Democrat thinks I'm paying attention to him”
-”We should consider all options” means “Cheney and Rummy say I get to bomb the hell out of those brown rat bastards”
-”We are going to let diplomacy work in this case” means “I didn't understand what Condi said, but she'll tell me if I have to sign anything.”
During Bush's visit to Iraq, he met with the current Prime Minister, talked to military leaders and asked if he could carry the plastic turkey like he did the last time he was in Iraq. Bush was then informed that the plastic turkey had been destroyed by a roadside bomb while driving a military vehicle without proper armor. Bush expressed regret and said when he returned the US, he would make sure that the prop was buried with full military honors.
Bush did not speak to Iraq's national security advisor, but was probably surprised when he announced that was planning for all foreign troops to be out of the Iraq by the end of 2008. The White House has said repeatedly that announcing any kind of deadline for a troop withdrawal was tantamount to strangling kittens, and immediately announced that the Iraqi national security advisor was probably a Democrat, hated America and was in favor of burning flags and gay marriage out of reflex.
If I remember right, Bush said that US troops would leave when the Iraqi government said that they didn't need them any more. Anyone want to bet on who leaves first: US Troops or the Iraqi National Security Advisor?
The White House has decided on the next Iraqi bogeyman, and announced it in a speech where President Bush vowed to get Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. Al-Muhajer was said to be excited about the news and said he would get right to work on a video, but wondered what Bush meant by “get”. A spokesman said, “He's wondering if this is like when Bush said he would get Bin Laden and lost interest after a couple of months, or like when he said he would get Hussein and spent a few hundred billion dollars to do it?”
Speaking of Saddam Hussein, his defense rested on Tuesday, telling the jury that Hussein ran his country according to the laws that were in place at the time, and that the court has no jurisdiction over him, Hussein himself said that he was pleased with his defense, and would not have to order his lawyers assassinated until the verdict came in.
In other Iraq news, the Prime Minister or Iraq said that he was working with the government to grant limited amnesty to insurgents who agree to lay down arms and stop fighting. Military observers say that President Bush has not stopped the plan because he feels Iraq should be able to make their own deals with the insurgents.
OK, we didn't believe that one either. Sometimes, I guess we go to far. Really, the reason is that Bush doesn't know what the word “Amnesty” means other than it's an organization that hates America and doesn't let him torture prisoners.
Experts believe this is the first of many programs that Iraq is looking to implement that the US may not approve of, such as: Wanting to get paid for their oil, not allowing the US to maintain permanent bases, and the right to throw pies and water balloons at Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld when he comes to visit. The experts say that they have no idea how much of this will be allowed before President Bush calls him an evil dictator who has weapons that can hit the US within 45 minutes.
3 of the detainees at the Guantanamo Bay camp committed suicide lat week, and a military spokesman said that the prisoners had killed themselves “as a PR stunt.” According to the spokesmen, the prisoners are looking to appear on TV interview shows and get a book deal out of their deaths, which may not have been the best idea for them, seeing as how corpses are almost as bad in an interview format as Britney Spears. The spokesman later apologized for his statement, saying that he no longer believes that the prisoners killed themselves as a PR stunt, but instead did it just to make him screw up in front of the press so that his Commanding Officer would have to yell at him for almost 20 minutes. He also said that the military was doing everything in their power to prevent the corpses from appearing on Larry King, as having the propped up dead body of King was more than enough PR for dead people.
Hey, I could have gone with a lame “ghost writer” pun there, but I didn't because I care about you, the reader.
In a related item, a group of religious leaders has asked the White House to ban torture and to respect the international treaties the US has signed pledging not to use torture with prisoners. President Bush said, “I'm torn, since I was elected to do pretty much anything a group of religious leaders tell me to do, but I also have to do what Dick Cheney tells me, which is that treaties are meant to be ignored, and prisoners have to be tortured.” Bush's spokesmen have said they are looking into inviting the religious leaders to chose a spokesman who would then go into Thunderdome with Dick Cheney, and whoever came out alive would be the one that Bush would listen to.
President Bush announced that he would be authorizing the creation of the country's largest Naval Reserve. Bush said that the reserve would be important to keep us safe, and to provide troops in case he had to declare any more wars that required sea support. When he was told that the Naval Reserve he'd created wasn't like the Army Reserve, but was instead a large amount of land set aside so that it couldn't be developed by business interests, he said, “I did something to help the environment? Now Cheney's gonna have something to smack me around about again. Dammit!”
The World Cup of soccer is going on. At least that's what we hear. We'll be reporting on it if any riots break out or if the US wins a game, otherwise, we'll be saving that space for things Americans care about like Jessica Simpson's latest plastic surgery or House Speaker Dennis Hastert moving up another pants size.
The Homeland Security Department allowed a man with a fake ID into the building. The man has used his fake ID to show lax security in a number of different places, and said he did not expect to be able to get into the Homeland Security building and thought he would get stopped. The head of homeland Security security said that the man's ID looked official, even though it was a foreign ID listing information in both Mexico and Canada, stated his name as I. P. Freely, listed him as being 3 feet 412 inches tall with toasters for hands and knives for feet. The Homeland Security department said that they would be looking into ways to upgrade their security, but since this was the time of year they were giving “anti-terror” grants to flea markets and small town bandstands that it would have to wait until the National Security level dropped to Eggshell, Pinkish or “That color of that one guy's bathroom...oh, you know what I mean.”
The first major storm of the season, Alberto, is currently making life fun on the Gulf Coast. Most people say that this is the reason Bush went to Iraq so that if it becomes a bad storm and the government does as well as they did last year, he can say he was helping soldiers, fighting the war, and why do you hate America? We here at the Weekly News Update think that it would be a good idea for the Weather people to name ALL the storms with Latino names. That way the Republicans might think they are illegal immigrants and actually DO something about them this time.
Hollywood has announced that since DVD sales have slowed from double and triple digit growth from year to year down to just 2% from last year, they are looking for ways to improve revenue. They said that re-releasing movies with new “added material” is just the first step, and they are looking to do things such as releasing movies every few months with new covers to trick people into thinking they haven't bought them yet, releasing old movies with new titles, releasing movies that self destruct when a new version comes out, and hiring thugs to come to people's houses if they haven't bought a DVD in two weeks.
Home Depot discovered that a large number of vanities they imported from South America were filled with cocaine and other illegal drugs. A spokesman for Home Depot said that the company had nothing to do with the drugs, and would not tolerate any drug smuggling in it's stores. He also announced that they are changing the way they sell building supplies, with the first supply being free, and then, you gots to pay...and you will, you lousy junkie.
High end fashion designer Fendi announced this week that Wal-Mart was selling knock off versions of their bags. When asked how they knew that the bags were not actual Fendi bags, a spokesman for the company said, “They were on sale at Wal-Mart...do we really need to explain any further?”
Finally, an international survey shows that the US's image in foreign countries is dropping. This really surprised the pollsters, who thought that there wasn't much further the image of the US could fall. In fact, according to the poll, the US is current less popular than being punched in the face, the sound of cats mating and Paris Hilton's singing, but is slightly more popular than the Spice Girls, deep fried pudding and President Bush himself. US Officials have said they are working to repair the US's image overseas, and are working to give the US a really cool looking MySpace account with big chested girls so that people around the world will “friend” it.
That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own!
The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.
How DARE Hollywood have a week without a new super-hero movie? Are they just getting lazy.