This is the Weekly News Update for 6/12/2006
This is the Weekly News Update for 6/12/2003 by Cory!! Strode, one of the few people who hasn't hosted a prime time show on MSNBC.
The Weekly News Update is brought to you by the new Gillette Overkill razor, with 15 blades on the front, 3 blades on the back and one in the handle in case you have to fight off a bear while shaving. Gillette, where we'll figure out some way to charge $10 per disposable cartridge eventually.
Our top story this week is that date of 6/6/06 came and went without the end of the world. There were reports that some women had asked doctors to induce labor early so that they would not deliver a child on a day that some said carried the number of the beast, saying that they didn't want to take a chance that they could give birth to the Anti-Christ. We here at the Weekly News Update know that this is a silly thing to think, since everyone KNOWS that Ryan Seacrest is the Anti-Christ.
The US and Iraqi governments both touted the death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, complete with a framed picture of his corpse at the press conferences. In the press conferences, they stated that his death would be the REAL start of the end of the insurgency, as he was a brilliant mastermind who was behind all of the evil going on in Iraq. When the spokesman was reminded that just a couple of weeks ago, the US Defense Department was showing video of al-Zarqawi and claiming he was unable to work a gun, wore cheap tennis shoes and had no friends on MySpace, and was told that al-Zarqawi has learned a LOT in the three weeks before he died. Reporters were then reminded that previous briefings officially didn't happen, much like the dream seasons of Dallas and Roseanne, and if people didn't understand that, they would be forced to WATCH the dream seasons of Dallas and Roseanne.
The White House said that they would be working hard over the next few weeks to come up with a new bogeyman to blame the problems in Iraq on. The current plans involve putting 12 terrorists in a house and having them be voted out one at a time until one of them is declared America's Worst Enemy. This plan has caused North Korea's leader Kim Jong Il to express disappointment that he was not automatically chosen and said he would be working hard to perfect his nuclear missiles before the show debuts in order to win the title.
The Senate voted last week on a Constitutional Amendment that would have banned gay marriage all throughout the US, but it did not receive the needed 2/3rds for the Amendment to be sent to the states for ratification. Senate backers of the bill said that they will continue in their plans to protect marriage by proposing that all marriages by giving them a moat filled with angry, gay hating alligators and turrets filled with Government Approved machine guns.
Just a side note, if you add up all of the different marriages for the 49 Senators who voted for the ban on Gay Marriage, you'd come up with over 100 different marriages. No wonder they think marriage needs protection, their all seem to fall apart once their wives get near 40, and they make their first million dollars.
The Canadian Government announced that they had arrested 17 people involved in a terrorist ring. The terrorists have been accused to planning to take over the Canadian parliament building, kidnap the Prime Minister and force the cancellation of Degrassi Junior High: The Next Generation. Some involved in the investigation say that the claims made by the alleged terrorists may have been exaggerated, as they discussed their plans in Internet chat rooms and on message boards, but Canadian officials say that they are taking the plot seriously, mostly so that they can get some attention from the United States. They haven't covered any news from Canada since we announced we were legalizing pot, said a Canadian spokesman, we have news happening here all the time. It makes us sad that you don't pay attention to us any more. A US spokesman said that they are cooperating with Canadian authorities by patting them on the shoulder, saying there, there and reminding them that as long as they have oil, we'll pay attention to them.
The Senate Judiciary committee released a statement that they were upset with a Justice Department official who refused to state if the Bush Administration had ever considered prosecuting journalists for printing leaked security information. After much negotiation, the Justice Department released a statement that stated that they had not considered prosecuting journalists for publishing the leaks because it would get in the way of Republican politicians blaming the press for everything wrong with the country and they were looking in to way to let journalists know which national security secrets it was OK to print (the ones President Bush releases to manipulate the public) and what ones it was NOT OK to print (the ones that make President Bush's team look as competent at the Three Stooges when they are hired to build a house and protect someone's three daughters).
Almost a year after Hurricane Katrina, a census shows that New Orleans is 64% smaller than it was before the storm, with many city and state officials believing that the city will never again be as large as it once was. New Orleans said it was happy with the change, and has spent a lot of time at the gym, eating healthier and staying away from the all night binge drinking that it had become known for. Most people who lived in New Orleans have said that they won't be returning, since the city has become such a health nag.
Katherine Harris is the Republican Candidate running for Senate in Florida. Do I really need more of a punchline to this piece of news, or is it enough of a joke all by itself?
The Congress has brought up phasing out the Estate Tax again. Those in favor of phasing out the tax have called it the Death Tax, stating that it is not fair that people who have estates over $3.5 million dollars should have the money taxed when they pass it down to their heirs. Those is favor of keeping it are simply showing a picture of Paris Hilton and saying Do you really want a whole bunch of people like this?
Representative Patrick Kennedy, son of Senator Ted Kennedy was released from rehab last week. In his statement, he said that he feels he has overcome his addictions, and looks forward to returning to Congress where he can be drunk on power instead of whiskey. Kennedy's father said that he was proud of his son for crashing a car in such a way that he wouldn't have to put up with snide comments about teaching people to swim for the rest of his career.
In other Congressional news, Representative Tom DeLay (R Sith Lord) left the Congress last week. In his final speech he blamed Democrats for his problems, hinted he would be back as a lobbyist, and told the other members of Congress to each give him $1000 so that he could remember what he had done while he was in Congress. After DeLay left, lights that had gone mysteriously dark in 1994 came on, flowers bloomed and the sun came out.
Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan said in an interview that the current high price of gas and oil were hurting the economy. Observers were amazed that Greenspan said something that didn't have to be run through the Greenspan Descrambler, a device created to make sense out of his statements while he was in charge of the Federal Reserve Bank. However, when we here at the Weekly News Update ran his statement through the device, it translated to Help me, there are tiny squirrels in charge of the economy now. We don't know how accurate this is, but we have decided to invest our 401(k)s in nuts and raisins.
In the continuing strife in Somalia, an Islamic group has seized control of the capital, ousting US backed Warlords who had been holding it for the past few weeks. US officials said that they knew it was strange that they would back warlords in any country, but defended the practice by saying they had spend months looking for Peacelords, but were unable to find any. More on this story if they ever discover oil in Somalia.
Iran's current Ayatollah has threatened to cut off oil exports if the US continues to threaten military or economic action over their nuclear program. White House sources report that Vice President Dick Cheney could be heard crying NOOOOOOOOO! as far away as Philadelphia when the news was received by his office.
Heroin users are being warned that the latest batches of heroin being discovered have been cut with a deadly additive that can cause seizures, heart failure and death. Most experts believe that their warnings will go unheeded, since the people who this affect are heroin users, after all, and they've kind of showed a callus disregard for medial warnings from official sources. Rumor is that they are looking for a spokesman that heroin users trust to deliver the news so that they take it seriously, but have been turned down by Keith Richards, Kate Moss and Spongebob Squarepants.
Armed Forces Radio has announced that they will be phasing out political talk radio over the next couple of months, and will be replacing it with more music based programming. Talk radio hosts such as Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity have responded angrily, but some of the more inventive hosts have decided that they will be playing music samples under their shows in order to appear to be recording rap songs. Look for such songs as Al Franken's Bush is Whack and G. Gordon Liddy's Liberals must die for my homiez to be released before the change in programming takes place.
In entertainment news, Al Gore's movie An Inconvenient Truth has been a major success. While the movie is a documentary that features his Power Point presentation on global warming, Hollywood executives have been impressed with it's record per screen grosses, and are said to be working on a sequel An Inconvenient Truth II: Even More Inconvenient, This Time With Guns and Car Chases. Gore has said that the movie is not part of a political comeback, that he will not run for President in 2008, and that he only made the movie so that he could become famous enough to get in to parties where a sloppy drunk Lindsey Lohan would make out with him.
Finally, it was reported that the use of anti-psychotic drugs is now five times more prevalent in youth than they were ten years ago. It is unknown if this is because youth are five times more psychotic, or if adults are now five times more likely to say Can you just give the little rat bastards something to shut them up so I can get a few minutes of peace and quiet! when taking their kids to the doctor.
That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own!
The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.
I know that I'm five times more likely to drink than I was ten years ago. Hell, I'm five times more likely to drink than I was ten minutes ago.
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