The Weekly News Update for 6/4/2006
This is the Weekly News Update for 6/5/2006 by famed Tuba impresario Cory!! Strode.
The Weekly News Update is brought to you by your local Smooth Jazz station. That's right, Smooth Jazz, killing an American musical form one boring, sleep inducing CD at a time. Listen to Smooth Jazz, and watch as you slowly lose the will to stay awake.
In our top story this week:
After revelations that US Marines may have been involved in a massacre of Iraqi citizens and the new Prime Minister of Iraq stating that he believed US soldiers were killing Iraqi civilians daily and driving over them in their vehicles, one of th lead Generals in Iraq have ordered the soldiers under his command to attend “Values Training.” The General said, “I guess we must have forgotten to teach soldiers that killing civilians is bad, and torture might not be a good way to get people to like you. Who knew?”
The Values training is going to outsourced to Halliburton, so that soldiers can be taught more efficiently how to forge invoices, overcharge and how best to blame things on anti-war protesters and hippies.
President Bush has decided that there is more of his base he needs to pander to if he wants to help his party retain their majority, so he will be introducing an Amendment to the US Constitution that would ban gay marriage nationwide. We here at the Weekly News Update received the text of the speech, and see that he is trying very hard to appeal to his care base in it. The important passage is:
You just made the list, buddy. Also, I don't like no one touching my stuff. So just keep your meat hooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I'll kill you. And I don't like nobody touching me. Any of you homos touch me, and I'll kill you.
Reports are the the White House is looking to bring back Colin Powell to say at the end of the speech: Lighten up, Francis.
Reports are that Wal-Mart is looking in to selling ethanol based fuels at some of its stores. A Wal-Mart spokesman said it is dependent upon customer demand, and if they can get ethanol based fuel from China.
In the latest round of Federal Grants from the Department of Homeland Security, both New York City and Washington DC had their funding cut by 40%. Michael Chertoff defended the cuts in funding, stating that New York City has zero national monuments or icons. He also told reporters that the big tourist destinations that need to be given funds for protection are Peoria, Illinois; home computers were a fad; and most terrorists are Atlanteans who are upset that their homeland sank during the Hyperborean Age.
Chertoff is best known for his handling of New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina said that he stood by his decision and since failure was the best way to get rewarded in the Bush Administration, he looked forward to being promoted to the Supreme Court soon.
The Supreme Court ruled last week that people who work for the Government and report wrongdoing are not entitled to “whistle blower” protection under the law. The Court's statement said that they were ruling this way had nothing at all to do with the fact that they didn't want their law clerks going to the press about their late night music pirating, their trafficking in illegal fireworks and whatever it is that Justice Clarence Thomas is filming in his offices late at night, but instead was a ruling in support of National Security. And by National Security, they meant the ability of Vice-President Dick Cheney to punish people who talked to reporters by telling them long stories about his medical conditions and disbelief in mouthwash.
A Republican House staffer being investigated in the Abramoff scandal has told prosecutors that a number of Republican House members have misstated the cost of a trip to Scotland that was paid for by Jack Abramoff. Prosecutors said that they were suspicious of the trip when they paperwork submitted claimed that the Representatives were able to get chartered plane flights to Scotland, hotel lodging, golf on an exclusive course and meals for $79.95. The Representatives maintain that their information was correct, and they were able to get the deal by using coupons, listening the Abramoff give a speech on Time Shares and filling out a short survey on what kind of name brands they use.
The FBI has called off a two week search at a horse farm in Michigan for the body of Jimmy Hoffa. FBI officials said that they were following up what they believed to be a credible lead, but that the search showed that they are still working on the case, and they hope to eventually find Hoffa's body, and punish the corpse of whoever it was that killed him. The FBI has said that they will now reassign the agents to a more important task, that of finding a national monument or icon in New York City.
Representative Jim Kelb (R – Too much time on his hands) has renewed his push to get rid of the penny. Kelb feels that the penny costs too much to make, and has introduced legislation to eliminate it for the third time. Kelb said that his crusade has nothing to do with the fact that when he was a kid, other kids would pelt him with pennies, and that he was fired from his first job as a security guard for allowing people to “Take a penny” when they hadn't “left a penny.” Kelb has said that he feels he is doing important work for the national, and after he is able to eliminate the penny, he will be working to make it illegal to teach the metric system, outlaw burnt toast and criminalize rounding number up to the next integer.
A recent poll shows that the US is the most impatient nation among the industrialized world. We here at the Weekly News Update would have more information on the poll but the story was pretty long and DIDN'T GET THE POINT FAST ENOUGH!! NOW WHERE'S MY GUINNESS??
Thank you, thank you, we'll be here at Chuckles all week.
After announcing the the US was looking to reduce troop levels in Iraq over the next year, the Defense Department quietly announced that they had called up a little over 7000 new troops to help deal with rising unrest in the west portions of Iraq. When asked if this was a change to the previous statement that the military was looking to draw down troop numbers, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, “No, but let's remember, we have to have more troops there so that when we pull them out we can say we have less. Besides, these are just numbers. Do you know how to count, because I don't. Is 157,000 more than 150,000? I don't know, no one here knows, do you? Who's to say what is more and what is less? No one knows.” It was also announced that in future press conferences, Donald Rumsfeld will be played by Larry King, or a monkey in a suit with glasses.
The vigilante group known as the Minutemen have announced that they will be building a fence between the US and Mexico in order to keep out illegal immigrants. They say it will be mostly a symbolic gesture showing their displeasure with the federal government ignoring the problem for so long. The Minutemen said that they were going to hire people to build the fence for them, but since they were only offering $2 an hour and a Hostess Fruit pie for people work on the project, they were only able to get illegal immigrants to construct it. A spokesman for the group said that they will get around the legalities of the situation by having the illegals work on the Mexican side of the fence.
After Congressional leaders announced they were going to investigate the Constitutionality of the FBI raid on the office of Representative Jefferson (D- Unskilled at hiding bribes), Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said that if President Bush returned Jefferson's papers to him that he would resign. This is not the first time Gonzales has threatened to resign, as he also said that he would quit if the soldiers at Guantanamo Bay were told to quit torturing prisoners, if Dick Cheney wasn't allowed to shoot at least one person every six months or if anyone told him who won on “American Idol” before he had a chance to watch it on his Tivo.
In a speech this week, former Presidential Candidate John Kerry (D – Got beat by Bush) said that he is pressing his case against the “Swift Boat Veterans For Truth” despite the fact that it now almost two years after their ads attacking him began airing. Kerry said that he was finally ready to fight back, now that he has finished a number of the other things on his “To Do” list. Kerry said that now that he's finished reading all of the books he was supposed to read while he was in college, solved his Rubik's Cube and watched the finale of “Seinfeld” and he's ready to fight. The “Swift Boat Veterans For Truth” released a statement saying that they had no idea who this “John Kerry” person was, and they'd all gone back to their jobs in the White House and FOX News.
In another “too little, too late” story, the Army has announced that they are accepting the blame for the flooding in New Orleans last September. They said they had come to this agreement after long negotiations with weather patterns, who have refused to accept responsibility for the heavy rains. An Army spokesman said, “They blame us for everything anyway, so we did it. Bird flu? Our fault. The 'I'm in love with a stripper' song? Our fault. We miss the days of Bill Clinton when everything was his fault, whether it happened or not.”
Doctors have announced that they have created a new “extended use” birth control pill, and said that women who use it will only have four periods a year, one every three months. The only side effect is that they will last for a month, and the women will kill anyone who gets between them and ice cream during their period.
Finally, clothing manufacturers have announced that they will be discontinuing “Petite” sizes in women's clothing at the end of the year. Most cite the fact that they are going with numbered sizes on many items, or that the “petite” size simply does not sell well. I appears that as of January 1st, 2007, sizes in American women's clothing will be changed to Tall, Grande, Vente and Star Jones.
That's the news!! If you don't like it, make your own!
The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.
OK, maybe the women's sizes will be Medium, Large, Extra-Large and Dear Sweet Jesus, step the hell away from the buffet!