The Weekly News Update for 5/28/2006
This is the Weekly News Update for 5/27/2006 by Cory!! Strode, nominated for 5 Pulitzer prizes, two Nobel prizes and winner of a $2 off coupon from Pizza Man.
The Weekly News Update is brought to you by Turner Classic Movies, doing it's best to fill Cory!!'s Tivo every week, and delay the Weekly News Update. Get Turner Classic Movies in your home and get rid of your spare time!
In our top story this week the fallout of the FBI's search of Representative William Jefferson's (D – Dumb as a bag of hammers) office in their investigation of his accepting a $100,000 bribe. Jefferson said that charges are baseless, the video tape showing him taking the bribe is a fake, and he is expecting to get a ride from his friend Al Cowlings if the FBI doesn't quit hounding him.
News reports state that Jefferson stored $90,000 of the $100,000 bribe in his freezer. Jefferson claims he has no idea how the money got there, and has found all kinds of strange things in his house, such as: A cat in his toaster oven; houseplants in his bed; and a subpoena in his hand.
In a story that is probably connected, but if we say so, we're likely to get sued, House Speaker Hastert has said that he intends to sue ABC News for reporting that he is part of the on-going investigation into the Jack Abramoff bribery investigation. Hastert says that other than the $100,000 Abramoff gave to his campaign, the late night phone calls they shared, and all of the times they would rent movies together, he has had nothing to do with Abramoff and ABC needs to retract their story. ABC, for their part, defended the story saying that they stand by their story, and don't see how it could damage Hastert's reputation, since he has no reputation, and they have no viewers.
Congressional leaders have said that they are upset about the Executive Branch overstepping its powers by having their agents search the office of someone in the Legislative Branch, with both House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R – Buffet) and Senate Leader Bill Frist (R – Crazy Cat Killing Town) both saying that they are upset about the Constitutional questions the seizure of Jefferson's papers brings up. The White House said, “Our position all along on issues such as this remains the same: If you aren't breaking the law, you have nothing to worry about.” Congressional leader have expressed chock that such things apply to them, and said that if they knew Bush's policies weren't just for people who don't run corporations or work for the Republican Party, there's no way they would have supported them. Insiders say that Bush will toss Hastert a hunk of beef jerky to get him to quit complaining, while Frist will be given a box of kitten to experiment on.
It was announced that Dick Cheney will be called as a witness in the I. Lewis Libby case. Libby is accused of lying during the investigation into the Valerie Plame case, which is still on-going, and Libby asserts as his defense that he was only acting on the orders of the Vice-President. Cheney's office has not said whether he will be testifying, or if he will claim executive privilege, or if he will simply take the judge on a hunting trip.
At a press conference with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, President Bush was asked again if he had made any mistakes during his Presidency. Bush was unable to make eye contact with reporters as he said, “There were times I have been wro... Wro... Wro... Not right when I said...”, at which point the President handed a carefully worded statement to reporters that he had been told to say if the question was ever asked again, and then had Blair pilot a boat so that he could jump over a shark on water skis, announced that Dick Cheney would be replaced by Ted McGinley and that the entire Bush Administration would be having a live musical press conference within the next two months.
In foreign news...hey, wake up, just because it's foreign, doesn't mean it's boring. Come on, they have, like, explosions and riots in other countries. Those are interesting, right? Right?
Anyway the new Prime Minister of Iraq has said that he fully expects his military to have troops available to fight the insurgents by the end of 2007. When asked why it is taking so long with the White House claiming that they started training Iraqi soldiers back in 2003, the Prime Minister said the US has asked them to treat their military like they did their government: Announce that they have completed it every three months for two years, even though nothing has changed.
The Prime Minister also announced the time line for the coming year as it pertains to forming their military:
2 months – designing uniforms
2 months – changing them as per US instructions
6 months – deal with people who are upset about uniforms and
take out their disagreements with gunfire and roadside bombs
1 month – give up on uniforms and tell soldiers they will be
happy as long as they just consent to wear pants
6 months – deal with people who are upset about having to
wear pants, and take out their anger with gunfire and roadside
bombs.
And repeat until all of the oil is gone.
The White House has said that the formation of a new government in Iraq is a “turning point” in the war and means that the violence will begin to subside. We here at the Weekly News Update would like to remind you of all of the previous “turning points”:
-The fall of Baghdad
-The President giving a speech under a “Mission
Accomplished” banner that they now claim had nothing to do
with the War in Iraq
-Donald Rumsfeld saying that there was no looting in Iraq, and
all of the video was of the same man stealing the same vase.
-The death of Saddam Hussein's sons
-The capture of Saddam Hussein
-The first governmental election, complete with Republicans dying
their fingers purple
-George W. Bush giving soldiers in Iraq a plastic turkey
-The re-election of George W. Bush
-The second governmental election
-Vice-President Dick Cheney saying that the war was in its final
throes
-The third governmental election
-The ratifying of a Constitution
-And now, the forming of a new government under that Constitution
Upcoming “turning points” include: The release of the old “Mission: Impossible” TV series on DVD; yet another election; Vice President Dick Cheney's next heart attack; Iraq choosing its national bird; and the White House hiring Bill O'Rielly as “National Bad Example”.
Osama Bin Laden has released a new tape in which he says that Moussauoi was not connected to 9/11, and that the US has wasted time and energy prosecuting him. He also said that America made a huge mistake choosing Taylor Hicks as the next “American Idol”, showing that the Godless Infidels nave no idea what musical talent is. Bin Laden said that this may be the last of his tapes, as he is looking into “pod casting” his opinions to people, as they are harder to trace than tapes.
In the showdown between the US and Iran over their nuclear program, the Iranian President said that the US was “hatching plots” to discredit them and being a countdown to war. White House officials dismissed the statement, saying they were too busy hatching plots against Democrats and The Bill or Rights to be working on any plots against Iran, but after the election, they will get right on it.
In a story that may show that the US is starting a “disinformation campaign” against Iran, a story started in right leaning blogs and newspapers that Iran had passed a new rule that Jews and Christians would soon be forced to wear Yellow Stars on their clothing, signifying that they were non-Muslim. The story was denied by the Jewish delegate in Iran's Parliament, and some are wondering if it was planted to try and get people thinking that Iran was becoming a new version of Nazi Germany. It has been discovered that there were other stories sent to newspapers and bloggers to further attempt to make Iran look bad, such as:
-Iran's parliament is looking to arrest anyone who illegally downloads music, even if they are not in Iran
-Iran is passing a law making it mandatory that people wear socks with sandals, and dress shoes with shorts when they go to the beach
-And, in a move that may make them even more unpopular: Iran is looking to enact legislation that would name George W. Bush as the Best President Ever for getting rid of Saddam Hussein and making it so Iraq could elect leaders who were friendly and connected to Iran!
The verdict has been returned on the trial of Enron executives Kenneth Lay and Jeffry Skilling and the jury has found them: Guilty! Guilty guilty guilty! Unbelievably Guilty! Nastily, unbearably, dangerously guilty! The judge has said that he is looking at the option of sentencing the pair to be left along in a room with people who had all of their investments in Enron stock or had to pay electric prices during the summer of 2001 when they created artificial blackouts in order to raise prices.
Lay and Skilling continue to claim that they are innocent, and had no idea of the illegal activities going on at Enron while they were in charge. They are now also claiming that they had no idea what was going on during their trial and have no idea why they were convicted. When asked how he would handle the verdict, Lay said, “What's a verdict? Who are you? Where am I? Is it time for pie?”
Showing that we still are able to wage war, New York City has declared a “War on Subway Graffiti”. The war had barely started when a group of angry spray cans attacked National Guard troops and wouldn't release them until they had all be colored various shades of metallic blue. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has vowed that the graffiti will not win, and asks that America be patient and understanding as the war is waged, and be prepared for bad news in the coming months. The leader or Subway Graffiti has claimed that they will not surrender, and that Bob42 Rulez!
The Congressional Committee that oversees the Department of Homeland Security announced that the Department is now late with 118 reports that were due in 2003. A spokesman for the Department said that they needed a little more time, as they are just messing with the fonts and want to run the reports through the spell check one last time. OK, and maybe they are a little behind on the research end of the whole thing. Fine, they are late, but they will be talking to their academic advisor about it, and maybe they can just drop the Congressional Oversight retroactively, since the policy of the Bush Administration has been to break th law, and then ask Congress to get rid of the law after the fact.
Finally, a study released last week showed that there has been a drop in 12th grade science scores over the last 5 years. Scientists say that the reason is because science teaching is under assault by religious groups who are trying to put things like “Intelligent design” into science classes so that students don't understand the scientific method, while religious leaders say that it shows that God is punishing scientists. When asked how lower scores are an indication of punishment from God, a spokesman for Pat Robertson said “Now you are making God angry! Do you want him to drop the math scores too?”
That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own!
The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.