The Weekly News Update for 4/8/2006

This is the Weekly News Update for April 8th, 2005 by Cory!! Strode, the king of no media.

In our top story this week, court documents released this week state that in the trial of I. Lewis Libby, he states that he was authorized to leak the name of CIA operative Valerie Plame by Vice-President Dick Cheney on the authorization of President George W. Bush. White House officials have responded to this by saying that the story isn't true, but if it was, the President has the power to declassify and release information meaning that there is not anything resembling a crime here. They also said that if this defense works, they will use it to change the laws retroactively and legalize the other shootings Cheney has been involved with, Bush's assualts on inattentive Starbuck's employees and Karl Rove's cheating at eating contests.

This revelation is more interesting when people remember that when the Valerie Plame story cam to light, President Bush said that he wanted to know who had done the leaking, and anyone who had been involved in any illegal leaking would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Not able to deal with the fact that this would put Bush's search for the real leaker on par with OJ's search for the real killers, we're looking forward ot Bush supporters saying that all of Bush's “ethically challenged” acts to have been committed by an evil duplicate created by Bill Clinton, and demanding that Clinton be arrested and tried immediately.

And in another case showing the the Bush administration is working hard to provide America entertainment during these trying times, the deputy communication director of the Department of Homeland Security was arrested this week in a FBI operation to arrest sexual predators. The official has been arrested for propositioning an undercover agent who he thought was a 14 year old girl and sending sexually explicit e-mail and videos to seduce her. The Homeland Security official said that he was following a lead that the terrorists were recruiting hot, underaged girls, and he was trying to trick her into revealing the location of terrorist cells, and the phrase “are your parents home” was actually code for “are evildoers about to attack us”.

No word yet on if President Bush is going to ask Congress to retroactively change the laws, making what the Homeland Security official legal like he's doing with his wiretaps and outing of CIA agents.

Now you know that, while we haven't caught Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaeda is recruiting new members at a record rate, and we still haven't made a single arrest in the anthrax attacks of 2001, but the country is safe from 14 year odl girls and their love of Kelly Clarkson.

House Republican Sith Lord Tom DeLay announced that he would be resigning his seat in Congress, saying that the race for his re-election had gotten too nasty, and the race was “all about him”. DeLay said he is looking forward to returning home and calling his neighbors terrorists, poisoning small furry kittens and looking for ways to have his family members sere prison time for his coming indictments.

DeLay gave an interview after he announced his resignation where he said that when his picture was taken for his mug shot, he prayed “Let people see Christ through me. And let me smile.” Looking at the picture, if Christ is in it, he's crying and screaming “Help meeeeee” much like the man in the movie “The Fly” right before Vincent Price kills him with a rock.

The trial of Enron executive continues, and the former CEO Jeffrey Skilling is to take the stand next week. Prosecutors say that they will be working to prove that Skilling knew what was happening under his watch and approved of a number of illegal scemes. Skilling has said that he is taking the stand to prove that he knew nothing about any illegal activities that happened while he was in charge because he was busy playing World of Warcraft instead of doing any actual work. Skilling's lawyers say that they know that the jury is made up of Red State Republicans, and if all else failed, they are prepared to blame everything on Clinton, since it works when people say in on Fox News.

CBS announced that they have signed Katie Couric, host of “The Today Show” to anchor the Evening News. CBS said that while she doesn't have the journalism credentials of a Walter Cronkite or Edward R. Murrow, she is perky and attractive, which were the only requirements they had for filling the position. Current “temporary” anchor Bob Schieffer was attrative to the demographic of Evening News watchers, he wasn't quite so perky anymore.

Senate Republicans say that they have come to a deal on an immigration bill between Republicans who are running for re-election and need to show they are tough on illegal immigrants, and Republicans who need money for their coming campaigns and need to allow big companies to continue to employ illegal immigrants. The plan they currently have is to blame Democrats for the problem, express support for groups who are anti-immigrant and hope no one pays any attention to the fact that they aren't doing anything until after the election.

It was revealed that in the current budget being worked on in the House and Senate, there are no budget items related to the War in Iraq, and it is not being calculated in normal budget spending. This means that either the Congress and White House believe that in the next fiscal year, the magic war fairy will show up and make all of our future activities in Iraq free, or that the Government will continue to fund the war via “emergency resolutions” so that the costs of the war cannot be scrutinized or counted as part of the yearly budget deficit. Treasury Secretary John Snow said about the funding for the war, “What people don't realize is that we're going to have a big telethon to pay for the war this summer in order to help with the budget deficit. Now, pledging will be completely voluntary, but we'd like to remind you that if you don't help pay for the war, you aren't supporting the troops, you hate America, you want the terrorists to win and...oh, Hell, even I don't believe this crap any more. Why won't they find someone to take this lousy job?!?”

Exxon announced that they made record profits last year, and their year end profit was $36.1 billion, the highest profit of any company in history. Exxon said that their high profits had nothing to do with the price of gas, but instead were from conserving office supplies, cutting back on company

That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own!

The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.

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