The Weekly News Update for 3/26/06
This is the Weekly News Update by Cory!! Strode, a cyborg from the future here to give you the news that will be important in 2012.
Wal-Mart has opened its first Upscale store, featuring sushi, an espresso bar and electronics that will last up to 6 months before breaking down! A Wal-Mart spokesman said that they feel they can serve the high end market well by using their proven methods of lowering prices, but they may have some resistance from people who would not shop at Wal-Mart because of their reputation. To combat that, they said that the company is weighing a few options, such as: Changing the name of the company to “Snooty City Slicker Mart”; cleaning the restrooms at least once a month; and buying up all other retailers and forcing them to change their name to Wal-Mart.
GM and the United Auto Workers union announced a buyout deal where GM will offer a large sum of money to employees to retire and the UAW will work with the company to preserve as many jobs as they can. This comes after GM announced record losses. GM's previous buyout offer of all the pizza an employee can eat and free air and water for the rest of their life was rejected by the union. GM hopes that if they are able to get labor costs under control, outsource some production and contain medical costs, they may be able to return to profitability within a year. When asked if GM was going to change their output to cars that people were interested in buying to try and turn their slump around, the spokesman for the company laughed and reminded reporters that the media knows nothing about business and they would soon be unveiling the new GM Megalith which is three times the size of a Humvee an gets three gallons to the mile.
Workers in New York City have found a previously unknown bunker built in the Cold War inside the Brooklyn Bridge. The bunker is said to be able to house up to 100 people, had provisions for 6 to 9 months and looks to have been built before anyone realized that if a nuclear bomb goes off in New York, it would probably be strong enough to destroy bridges. The workers say that they think there might be more forgotten bunkers in other landmarks, such as Shea Stadium, the Statue of Liberty and Donald Trump's hair.
Protesters in Belarus have taken to the streets, claiming that the re-election of President Alex Lukashenko was improper, and that the ballots were tampered with. President Lukashenko said that the election was fair, and that the protesters are getting in the way of the government running smoothly and has offered the protesters all the pizza they can eat and free air and water if they go home, and all the beatings they can take if they choose not to disperse. International observers say that the protest has little chance to succeed, as there are very few words that rhyme with “Lukashenko” that they can use in pithy chants.
US officials have weighed in on the crisis in Belarus, saying that since the election was so contested, it should be redone to make sure that it is fair and reflects the will of the people, to which officials in Belarus replied, “You first!”
President Bush said in one of his speeches that troops would be in Iraq past 2006, and the next Administration would be the one to make sure that the mission in Iraq is completed. Bush also said that the next Adminstration would be the ones to deal with the budget deficit, regulations involving global warning and the stains he has left on the carpet in the Oval Office from dropping his barbequed ribs. When asked what his Administration would finish before leaving office, Bush said, “We should be able to get most of the money in Fort Knox loaded into Haliburton trucks by the end of 2006, so we know THAT will be finished.”
The Pentagon said that they were looking for ways to fight high fuel costs, and said in a report that the high cost of fuel had caused the cost of the war in Iraq to escalate beyond projections. The Pentagon has said that they are looking for ways to save money on fuel costs and would now be asking soldiers to car pool more, to use their air conditioners less and to use the Geo Metros rather than tanks and armored Humvees in order to conserve energy and lower costs.
The Pentagon also announced that their previous war estimates were a bit low, and the cost of the war in Iraq could top $1 Trillion by the end of 2007. Since the cost of the war was estimated at Zero by the Defense Department (they said Iraq would be able to pay for their own reconstruction and coalition partners would pay for the rest), and the White House fired the person who estimated the war would cost more than $75 Billion, it means that their predictive abilities are a bit off. To show that he is serious about holding people accountable when they make mistakes, President Bush announced that because of these numbers, he was firing all fo the psychics and astrologers used in predicting the cost fo the war and would instead be turning that job over to the winner fo the White House NCAA Basketball office pool.
We here at the Weekly News Update would like to remind the Pentagon that before the war in Iraq began, the Undersecretary of Defense said that the war in Iraq would “pay for itself” and that the cost could be contained to less than $75 billion, and with the cost getting ready to top $1 TRILLION, we would hope that the cost over-runs were caused by more than just the fact that gas costs a dollar a gallon more than it did in 2003, or we've got WAY too many soldiers driving from Baghdad to the nearest IHOP for the “All you can eat” pancake special.
Speaking of Iraq, business reporters say that the hottest seller in the country is “Terror Insurance” that people can buy to compensate them if their homes, cars or lives are damaged by terrorist activities. If the trend continues, look for the bigger insurance agencies to get involved in the business, although insurance company Geico has said they will not be entering the market because they can't think of any cute and funny ways to sell insurance against suicide bombing.
When asked about how the companies are able to make money on terrorist insurance in Iraq when Baghdad itself sees between 40 and 80 terrorist bombings a day, one company said, “We're looking to insure the terrorists as well, and paying them when they fail. If we set it up right, they'll all just be paying each other and we can build up enough money to get the flaming blue hell out of here!”
Also in Iraq, US troops have said that they will be taking over training Iraqi troops on the proper treatment of prisoners to make sure that prisoners are not tortured. In a related item, the US military is having wolves train dogs on the proper guarding of chicken houses,
Iranians have begun multinational talks over their nuclear program, and some in the Iranian delegation have said that they are looking forward to the talks as a way to improve relations with the US. When asked why they thought that hostile talks over their country's ambitions to build nuclear bombs was a way to improve relations, a member of the Iranian delegation said, “That's true, but we did bring a box of fun size candy bars to give to the US delegaton, and no one can get mad if they are given candy bars, right?”
The FDA announced that they will be adding a warning to ADHD drugs that they can cause hallucinations in some people. And in an utterly unrelated story, Weekly News Update chief reporter Cory!! Strode would like to announce that he has ADHD and would like a doctor to prescribe him medication and a bunch fo Pink Flyod CDs for it.
The Justice Department announced this week that they have indicted 50 people for traficking in cocain, and said that they believed it to be the largest cocaine bust in the history fo law enforcement. When asked when the cocaine was seized, they had to say that it was an esitmate of cocaine they believed had come in to the country, and that they had no actual suspects or names, but just believed that 50 people were involved in the shipment, and they were looking to find out who they were as they continued their explanation. When asked why they were announcing indictments if they only suspected that the crime ha taken place and had no evidence, the spokesman making the announcement said, “Evidence? We have to have evidence now? You people make SUCH insane demands. Next thing you know, you'll want us to arrest guilty people, and if we have to wait to announce when that happens, I'll NEVER get out here in front of the cameras.”
The website “The Smoking Gun” has published what they say are Vice President Dick Cheney's requests when he is on tour. In the document, it states that Cheney requests the room be set at exactly 68 degrees, all TV visible in the hotel be turned to FOX News, and that three donors with healthy hearts be available and willing to give up their life for him at a moment's notice. Cheney's office said that there was nothing in the document that is extravagent, and that they were able to talk him out of demanding that no one look at Cheney directly, he be given all the brown M&Ms that Van Halen didn't want and at least 10 healthy Gladiaros to fight and kill for his entertainment as he requested during the 2000 election.
By contrast, President Bush's tour requests are morning refresher lessons on sounding like he's from Texas, the latest issue of “Highlights For Children” and 20 doses of Botox for his wife Laura in case she starts to show some sort of emotion or facial expression.
Finally, speaking of Botox over 4 million people in the US were given Botox treatments last year, meaning that there are now over four million more people who no longer change expression when someone yells “Surprise!” When asked how this statistic can be true when the number one concern among US citizens is health care, a medical spokesman said, “You have to remember that while most Americans are worried about having health care, the rich ones have too much health care an are trying to spend their insurance money as fast as they can before they get a real illness. We're looking for new ways that rich people can keep doctors busy so that they don't have to put up with sick people, I mean, if you had a choice between a rich woman and a sick person, which would YOU rather spend the afternoon with?”
That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own!
The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.
I wonder if the American People know just how unprepared we are now for an attack by Russian Zombies now that the bunker in the Brooklyn Bridge has been discovered?