The Weekly News Update for 3/18/06
This is the Weekly News Update by Cory!! Strode, a drag on the economy.
The Weekly News Update is brought to you by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, who would like to announce that after this year's ceremony, we won't be inducting bands because they are GOOD, but we will be looking for bands that had nasty breakups so that we can have all kinds of fights on the stage. It may not be rock and roll, but it will make a hell of a reality show!
Former Serbian leader and candidate for the worst person in the last 30 years, Slobodon Milosevic, passed away in his jail cell last week. Milosevic has been on trial in the Hague for his part in the wars that overtook the former Yugoslavia after they quit making Yugos andun dropped out of the sight of Americans. Milosevic was accused of ordering genocide, and most observers say that the his death will finally bring an end to the trial that has been going on for the last four years. Milosevic is survived by weasels, jackals and a wide variety of vermin.
Senator Russ Fiengold (D The land of cheese and beer) put forth a motion that President Bush be censured for lying about Weapons of Mass Destrucion in Iraq. Fiengold's motion was swiftly voted down by Republicans who were happy that they now have something to complain about to get people's minds off of all the things they dislike about President Bush. The Republican leadershaip said that they have figured out that the only way to raise Bush's low approval ratings would be to try and get the Democrats to attempt to censure or impeach him. Senate Leader Bill Frist said, When we impeached Clinton, his approval ratings shot up and never went below 60%. We're currently scouring the country for someone who will have sex with President Bush, but other than Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, we have no takers.
Feingold, for his part, said that he knew the measure would fail, but wanted to register his disappoval with Bush's job performance, and his previous acts had not made any impression. In the last few months, Feingold has:
-Dropped a note that read, Get rid
of the monkey in the White House in the Senate's suggestion
-Tried to convince the election board to have the election early
-Dropped a potted plant on Bush's head to give him amnesia so that he will leave the White House and buy a farm in Montana to grow dental floss.
-Forged an invitation to go hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney.
Records that were released last week show that a majority of the Generals in charge of the Iraq invasion were against the swift dash to Baghdad during the war and said if the military moved too fast, they wouldn't be able to secure the country and it could lead to future problems and an armed resistance. Thank goodness they were wrong about THAT.
With his approval rating hovering around 36% in most polls, President Bush has gone out on tour. IN his speeches, he talks about the importance of staying the course in Iraq, how he is strong in the war on terror, and, when no one is paying attention, saying that there is nothing anyone can do for another three years and we're all stuck with him. Seeing as how the last time Bush went on tour to push a major policy initiative, it was his plan to privatize Social Security, and the more he spoke, the less popular it was, most observers say that Bush is actually hoping to lower his approval ratings ever more. Said one staffer on condition of anonimity, If he can't be the most popular, the most successful or the most important, at least he can challenge Richord Nixon for most hated President. A record is a record, after all.
IN one of his speeches, Bush said that the vast majority of roadside bombs being used against American Soldiers in Iraq were being manufactured in Iran. The next day at a military briefing, a reporter asked a military spokesman if that was true, and the spokesman said he had not seen any evidence that would support that statement. The next day, there was a new military spokesman who said that the previous military spokesman had been sent to Iraq so that he could investigate the roadside bombs Up close and personal. He also said that he had no idea what President Bush had said at any of his speeches, but whatever it was, he was right about it.
OH, I know everyone is overjoyed to hear that the Republican Party has had its first straw poll for the 2008 election. That's right, the 2006 election hasn't even started up yet, but the Republican Party is trying to see who the front runner is for President in 2008, and the winner is Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who had the advantage of having the poll in his home state, being one fo the best known candidates and giving people a free medical exam if they voted for him. Coming in a distant third is John McCain, who told delegates that instead of voting for him, they should vote for President Bush to show that they still support him, since we are at war. Bush came in forth in the poll and immediately announced that he would be fighting harder for the nomination and no one should count him out yet. When he was reminded that the Constitution decrees that he can only be elected to two terms, Bush said, I haven't paid attention to the Constitution since I got in to office, why would I start now?
IN one of his speeches, President Bush said that he has set targets for troops to be withdrawn from Iraq. This goes against statements he made as late as last month where he said that to set any sort of troop withdrawl target would be detrimental to the war effort and would help the enemy. When asked about this contradiction, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, What Bush meant was that if anyone ELSE did it, it would be a bad thing, but if President Bush does it, it's OK. Much like how it's OK for him to drink out of the milk container, bt if I do, I get strapped to a chair and forced to listen to that song about being in love with a stripper for the rest of the day.
GM announced that they would be revising their figures for 2005, and that they lost two BILLION more dollars than they through they had. They explained that the extra losses came from not getting all of the returns figured into their figures, higher than expected end of the year costs, and a drinking binge charged to the company by Company Executives when they saw how much money they had lost during th eyear, and figured a month-long drunken party wouldn't add THAT much more to the loss column. Said one member of the Board of Directors, I had no idea a human being could drink that much and live. Well, other than guys who write news parodies that claim they are weekly, but taken months off at a time.
The United Nations voted to create a new Human Rights Commission over the objections of the United States. The US delegation said that they did not agree with the new commission, saying that even under the new rules, nations who engage in systematic abuse and torture would still be allowed on the panel, while United Nations representatives aid, Yeah, but we figured if we didn't allow nations that torture to be involved, you'd be upset that we wouldn't let you be on the committee.
The new chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank said that he is Quite concerned about the US's budget deficit. When asked what he felt that the country should do about it, he said, Um...quit spending so damn much money? That might be a good place to start. Call me crazy, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. But you won't listen to me...you didn't listen to Greenspan and everyone LIKED him. I'm going to go back to my office an figure out what change I can make to the interest rate that will get me on the news for the longest amount of time. Oh, and if everything collapses and China buys the country, I told you so.
The Congressional Republicans have introduced a bill that would allow warrentless wiretaps by the Executive Branch, in effect, changing the law so that what President Bush's team has been doing for the last three years would be made retroacively legal. If they are successful with this effort, the number of people who will be running for office will skyrocket as people attempt to get into Congress after they are arrested to pass laws to clear themselves.
And, in an utterly unrelated story, Weekly News Update Senior Reporter Cory!! Strode has announced that he is running for a Congressional seat. He said in his announcement that his first priority will be to pass a law making it legal to use kittens as legal tender for gambling purposes, to legalize driving while sleeping and allow the kidnapping of redheads as long as the kidnapper thinks they are REALLY cute and he makes sure they get a nice bowl of cereal every morning.
Sony has announced that the PS3 will be delayed from its original launch date of Spring 2006, and that the earliest it will be coming out is November of 2006. Now, you could say that this means that all of the people who were lining up to buy one will now do something productive for the summer while they wait, but not even I would believe that. Sony said that to keep the people who were waiting for the system busy, they will be sending someone to all electronics and department stores to jingle their keys and wave shiny objects in front of them until they have the systems ready to sell.
The NCAA said that they will be broacasting all fo the games of their tournament for free on the internet. A spokesman for the company said that it was their goal to make sure that absolutely no work got done during the month of March, and this was the first step in that plan. They said they they will be looking at productivity reports for this yea, and if any man actually does any work rather than watch the games, they will look into having alternate programming of cheerleaders jumping on trampolines to try and completely shut down the male population of the US for an entire month.
In New York, suspected Mob Boss John Gotti had another trail that has ended in a mistrial, meaning that once again, he has been released. And if you think I am going to make a joke about this, you're wrong. I watched The Godfather, am a coward and wish Mr. Gotti nothing but good health and that if his daughter were to have a child, it be a masculine child.
Finally, it was announced last week that the US is now home to over 360 million pets, which means they outnumber humans in the US by over 60 million. A spokesman for the pets released a statement which read: Just put down the food and walk away. We'll let you stay here as long as the food keeps coming and you quit doing that shitty trick where you pretend to throw the ball but really hide it behind your back.
That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own!
The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.
You realize that the fact that there are more pets than people means that for every person who doesn't have a pet, there is another crazy cat lady MORE than making up for them.
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