The Weekly News Update for 3/10/2006
This is the Weekly News Update for 3/10/2006 by Cory!! Strode, who once again has not been asked to host the Oscars for next year.
The Weekly News Update is brought to you by the new music form that will bridge classical music and rap. That's right, coming this summer, Hip Harp!
And to make up for that horrid pun, in our top story this week, the Dubai deal to buy security operations at 6 US ports has died, with the Dubai company announced that they would sell the contract to an undisclosed US company. This comes after Congress had begun procedures to block the deal, and outcry from Americans over port security being sold to the United Arab Emirates and President Bush saying, “I don't know why people are so upset over this. I mean, not all Arab Moslems are the same. Oh, and Iraq, 9/11; Iraq, 9/11; Iraq, 9/11.”
The White House said that they would be working with the Dubai ports company to make sure they pick a US company that no one will have any problems with. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney responded to the news by drooling and chanting, “All for Halliburton” for approximately three hours before he was told he could go shoot something to get his mind off of it.
The White House said that they have learned their lesson and will now only work on outsourcing government jobs that should be done by trained professionals to American companies who use illegal immigration, as long as it's Mexican illegals and not Arabian illegals.
In a speech last week, Secretary of State Condi Rice said that the US faces no greater challenge than Iraq. Nice to see that they've been able to clear up that whole terrorism thing so that they can concentrate on Iraq, isn't it? Of course, the fact that the Secretary of State feels that Iraq is our greatest challenge would explain why the White House brokered a deal selling port security to a country that housed two of the 9/11 terrorists, had the banks that helped finance the attack on 9/11 and was one of the few countries that continued to recognize the Taliban, even after the US began it's attack on Afghanistan...because as long as you aren't Iraq, the whole “Countries that harbor terrorists or aid terrorists will be considered terrorists” thing just doesn't matter.
President Bush continued his “Get me the hell out of the US” tour, this time landing in Our Ally In The War On Terror Pakistan. To show just how much they love us, the President was asked to land in the middle of the night, in an unlit airport, and if anyone asked if he was there to see the Pakistani leader, he was to say that he got lost and is just looking for directions.
At his first speech in the country, Bush said that he was proud to be working with Pakistani President Musharraf and that his country was a shining example of a flourishing Arab Democracy. Which is all well and good, except that Pakistan is not an Arab country and Musharraf took power in a military coup and has not allowed elections since taking power. Bush responded the next day by saying, “At least the country is shining, right?”
To further the Democracy theme of Bush's trip, protesters of Bush's visit were beaten and arrested before his arrival. Bush met with President Musharref over the treatment of the protesters and said that the US is firmly against the arrest and beating of protesters, and if Musharref wanted, he could send a crew of people from Fox News to teach them how to marginalize, ignore and dishearten protesters so that they will be seen as a bunch of jobless hippies instead of a force for change.
The United States has released the first list of people being held at the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, and is the first public accounting of the prison since it opened almost four years ago. The military says that they are doing this to show that the facility is being run humanely, and within the bounds of law. Most observers say that the biggest news out of the release of names is that they were unable to find Huey Lewis of “Huey Lewis and The News” on the prisoner list, meaning he is still out there, waiting, plotting and attempting to mount a comeback.
The #2 man in Al Qaeda announced that he was offended by the cartoons of Mohammad that incited riots across the Moslem world over the past month. Now that the riots have died down, Ayman al-Zawahiri said in a prepared statement that he is sorry he was late to the outrage, but he hasn't read the comics page since the end of “The Far Side” and that he missed out on the riots due to being busy picking out who would be the next #3 man in Al Qaeda for the US Army to Capture when President Bush needs to try and distract people from one of his major mistakes. Al-Zawahiri said that he would try hard to keep up on the latest outrages, and asked if someone could direct him to a blog that alerts people when to riot over something and when to just complain and blame the Jews.
New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin was campaigning in Houston over the last week in his bid to be re-elected in the April election. When asked why he was campaigning in Houston, Nagin said, “Have you SEEN New Orleans? They hate me there. I think I'll have a better chance if I just stay out of town and get people to forget everything I've done for the last six months.”
The US has announced that they are seeking to set a deadline in the on-going talks between Europe and Iran over Iran's nuclear program. US officials say that for the talks to go on indefinitely is unacceptable, and that a plan to keep Iran from getting nuclear weapons needed to be in place soon, as it has been almost three years since the US invaded anyone, and they have to decide soon so that they can order place settings that list the next target.
For it's part, European nations involved in the negotiation with Iran continue to say that while they have not gained any ground with Iran, talks are fruitful and progressing. When asked what they mean by progressing, a negotiator for the European team said, “They no longer throw lit firecrackers at us when we suggest that they might want to think about not going ahead with their nuclear program, and instead not pelt us with water balloons. We're looking to have them switch to stale dinner rolls by the end of the week, and we'll keep you informed on our progress.
Iran's President gave a speech soon after the US said that they are looking for a deadline in their negotiations where he threatened the US with “Harm and Pain.” President Bush immediately shot back with a speech of his own where he said that if anyone was going to inflict harm and pain on the US, it would be him, and he would be unveiling his new economic plan in the next few days to do just that.
Vice-President Dick Cheney said that if Iran continued on their current path, there would be “consequences.” Most observers see this as a sign that the White House is preparing the take a more active role in the showdown with Iran, and have even said that Cheney has been training for his own personal assault on Iran by taking target practice on old people, having his heart difibulator upgraded and having coach Bush on how to sign his name in the proper place to enact a bill into a law.
A delegation from the new Hamas government of Palestine have visited Moscow for their first officials state visit. Russian Leader Vladimir Putin said that he was willing to meet with Hamas if it would help bring peace to the Middle East, and making the US angry was just a bonus. Putin also said that he will be willing to meet with any governmental officials as long as bring heating oil, games for his X-Box 360 and a big vat of cake batter, because he just can't get enough of that cake batter.
A group of GOP Senators have announced that they will be seeking oversight of the NSA wiretapping program in order to see that it conforms with the laws they have passed, and that the use of wiretaps isn't abused. Most reporters in the room were confused by the statement, with some saying that they haven't heard the words “Congressional” and “Oversight” used in the same sentence for almost 6 years, and had to ask their fathers and grandfathers if Congress could, in fact, oversee anything. The GOP Senators said that they are concerned that the White House may be abusing it's executive powers. In a related story, the same Senators have said that they will be investigating the Internet, as they hear there might be pictures of naked ladies on it.
With the President and the Republican party doing so poorly in the polls, Democrats are struggling to take advantage of the public's disenchantment, but seem to be failing to use it to their advantage. At the recent “Democratic Leadership Council” meeting, two different speakers gave speeches on the five things the party will be focusing on in this year's elections, which is all well and good until you saw that they listed five DIFFERENT things to focus on. Said a spokesman for the meeting, “We are looking to go after the President except when we aren't, and if people think we're being harsh we'll just...oh hell, I don't know any more. Can you just get the people from the Republican Leadership Conference to quit taking my lunch money?”
A woman has accused the president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops of sexually abusing her more than four decades ago when she was a child. Bishop William Skylstad issued a denial, saying, Come on, a Priest, sexually abusing a WOMAN? That's just crazy talk.”
And after that joke, we'd like to say goodbye to all of our Catholic readers who will be sending angry letters to the Weekly News Update and telling us we are going to burn in hell for such an evil remark.
It was released last week that the Government did not inform people of a Salmonella outbreak that occurred back in 2004, in which over 50 people got sick. The Government has said that they feel this shows they are getting better at handling disasters, since it took them two year on one from 2004, and they were able to get the New Orleans within the year it happened!
Finally, Wal-Mart has announced that they will be starting a new PR program to combat the bad publicity they are receiving for their business practices and will be paying bloggers to write good things about their stores. Wal-Mart says that the program has not started yet, as they have yet to find anyone who knows how to work a computer who is willing to say anything nice about the company. Wal-Mart said that soon, they will simply just outsource the program and hire Chinese slave labor to write blogs about how good Wal-Mart is.
That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own!
The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.
This marks the first year that I haven't seen any of the movies up for Best Picture at the Oscars. Now, Although, next year, if they nominate Date Movie, Bloodrayne and Big Momma's House 2, I'm all set!