The Weekly News Update for 1/29/2006
This is the Weekly News Update by Cory!! Strode, who has yet to get paid by the Bush Administration to push their agenda, and he'd like to let them know that he can be bought with a bottle of cheap vodka and bag of porn!
The Weekly News Update is brought to you by the Ghost of Richard Nixon who reminds you that if the President does it, it's not illegal.
In our top story this week, the Palestinian election results are in, and the winning political party is Hamas, best known for terrostsic acts against Israel. The Bush Administration has said that they will not deal with the organization unless they renounce terrorism and that they will pull all aid and funding, despite being chosen in free and fair elections. In order words, we hate their freedom.
The Bush Administration disclosed that the US spent over 1.9 Billion dollars to influence the Palestinian elections. When this was disclosed, most of the people who have contributed to the Bush campaigns over the year realized that they got a bargain, with Bush only having to spend 200 Million dollars to win the election here, and 1.9 Billion didn't even get them the results they wanted. The Bush Administration says that they have learned their lesson and from now on, they will be spending less money, but giving to the "Swift Boat Veterans For Truth" who will be able to convince Palestinians that Hamas is filled with cowards who didn't REALLY carry out terrorist attacks, but instead sat at home watching TV while other people carried them out.
When asked what they spent the 1.9 Billion dollars on to influence the Palestinian elections, a spokesman for the program said, "Let's see, there were the 'Get out the vote' bagels, special 'Vote against Hamas' yalmukes, and having people dress up like flip flops and go to State Fairs...that last one was a really bad idea since no one there knows what a flip flop is, and they wandered for WEEKS trying to find a State Fair. On the plus side, we've got a lot of leftover bagels!"
Mexico has announced that they will no longer supply maps for citizens who want to cross into the US illegally. Mexican President Fox said that they are ending the program because they do not want to appear to be a bad neighbor as well as the fact that they just need to give people a piece of paper that says "Go North" rather than print up a map. Fox said that he hopes to meet with American officials soon to discuss the issue of immigration, but that the only way he can get a meeting with President Bush anymore is if he wants to talk about terrorism and pretends to be one of the maintenance staff to sneak in.
Secretary of State Rice said in a speech last week that Iran was "feeling the heat" of US efforts to stop their nuclear program. In a related story, Iran continued to refuse to meet with members of the European Union over their nuclear program, refused to allow inspectors from the International Atomic Energy Association back into the country and the country's President gave speeches saying that the world needs them more than they need the world, so they will now bow to international pressure. IN order words, to Rice "feeling the heat" is the same as "ignoring what people are saying and kicking up the rhetoric." No wonder she's been so good at repairing the US's image abroad.
GM announced that they lost 8.6 billion dollars last year. They attribute the loss to lower sales, higher costs and shoveling piles of $100 bills into furnaces to keep the plants warm.
GM said that with their losses over the last year they have two options: major restructuring and cost controls or become a government run by a member of the Bush family.
The Federal government has announced that companies must stop using a harmful chemical used in Teflon by the year 2015. The chemical is said to cause cancer and is toxic to people who come in contact with it, and is so dangerous that they can only allow people to be exposed to it for ten more years. When asked why they allowing it to be used for another decade if it is so dangerous, an official said, "We're hoping that after the news comes out, only criminals and bad guys continue to use it, and they get sick and die, cutting crime. It's a complicated plan, but we're willing to give it a try."
The talks between the House and the Senate over a renewal of the Patriot Act have stalled over privacy issues. Democrats and some Republicans feel that the Act should be revised because it is too intrusive into people's private data, while others feel that the government needs that data in order to track down terrorists, criminals and Tommy Chong.
Supporters of the PATRIOT Act feel that the bill is so important that they need to force people to support it, so they will be renaming the bill the "If you vote against this you hate America, families and puppies" Act.
After the plea bargain by lobbyist Jack Abramoff, the White House announced that President Bush did not know Jack Abramoff, had not met with Jack Abramoff. In fact, pictures that were available of the President with Jack Abramoff had been removed from the White House's website, the Republican Party's website and a website where people can buy pictures of President Bush. When asked about this, White House press secretary Scott McClellan said, "Your problem is that you are referring to events and pictures from an alternate universe that briefly came into contact with ours. That is no longer the case, and if anyone DOES find pictures of the President with Mr. Abramoff, it is further proof that this alternate universe is in contact with ours, and OUR President Bush is even more innocent." Oddly enough, most fo the reporters were so confused by the explanation that they went on to ask what the President was planning on doing about Britney Spears driving with her baby in her lap.
Senator Joe Lieberman (D - wishes he was an R) announced this week that the committee investigating the government's response to Hurricane Katrina has not been able to get information from the White House, and the White House is classifying documents in such a way as to hinder the investigation.
Finally, California has announced that they have officially named 2nd hand smoke as a toxic substance. Because of this designation, new regulations can be applied to it, people who get sick from it are eligible to government help on medical claims and the Bush Administration says it is safe to put into food and drinking water.
That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own.
The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.
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