The Weekly News Update for 1/22/2006
This is the Weekly News Update by Cory!! Strode, who wonders if Osama Bin Laden is just putting out tapes now to fill up a CD, instead of concentrating on a few good hit singles.
The Weekly News Update is brought to you by normal FM and AM radio. Yes, terrestrial radio, we may not have the selection of satellite radio, but we have so many more commercials it will FEEL like you are listening to 100 channels.
In our top story this week, Osama Bin Laden has released a new tape where he lists his demands to stop his war against the United States. Bin Laden said that if the US withdraws from Iraq and Afghanistan, quits supporting Israel and finally allows the Adam West "Batman" series to be released on DVD, he will end his war against the US. This comes after Bin Laden's previous offer of a peaceful solution, which was the death of everyone in America and everyone who supports America, so he is reducing his demands. The US Government has said that they will continue to ignore his offers until he's down to a stale Hostess Fruit Pie and a box of Raisenettes before they will enter into any sort of talks with him.
A senior counter-terrorism official said that there was very high probability that the US would be hit with a Weapon of Mass Destruction by terrorists within the next five years. When asked if he had any more details, the officials said that he had no information he could share with people, but it was pretty scary wasn't it? He then proceeded to jump out from behind doors at reporters for the rest of the day saying, "Was that as scary as the WMDs?" The official said that he would be giving further briefings in scary masks and with creepy music playing to further highlight how scary it is.
Despite the fact that Osama Bin Laden said that if the US does not meet his demands, he will order more attacks and the announcement that a WMD attack was "very likely", the "Terror Threat Level" has not been changed and remains at "Orange" or, as we refer to it, "It's cold and flu season, so make sure to get enough vitamin C." The Department of Homeland Security said that Bin Laden's announcement wasn't specific enough to raise the threat level, and that the threat level is changed only if there is specific information about an attack, a heavy increase in "chatter", or it is an election year and the President wants to scare the living crap out of people so that they will vote for him.
A month after votes were cast, it was announced that the Shi'ites in Iraq have won the election, but their margin was so small that they will have to work with other parties in order to create a ruling coalition. So, now that we've brought Democracy to Iraq an they have been able to set up their own government, we should be able to withdraw our forces and allow the Iraqis to govern themselves.
In about eight or nine more years.
After they elect a government we like.
It was announced this week that the White House has asked the search engine Google to turn over their records of what people have search for in their efforts to stop terrorism, and Google has refused to comply with that request. The White House has not commented on the story, but Yahoo and Microsoft have both complied with the request. Other search engines such as "Ask Jeeves" and "Dogpile" have called the White House asking if they want their records, and were met with a quiet notice that no one uses them and they can keep their records.
Google has said that they feel that people's searches on the Internet are covered under the First Amendment, and that if someone wants to search for "President Bush eats batter dipped sizzling weasel on a stick", they should be allowed. And in about a week, if someone puts that into Google, they'll find my webpage, so I've got THAT working for me.
Al Gore gave a speech blasting the Bush Administration, laying out a plan for the next decade, calling for hard work on global warming and an end to the corruption in Washington. However, since he lost the election 6 years ago, no one cared. Said Gore, "Maybe if I would have given a speech like this back in 2000, I wouldn't be giving this speech to 15 people and a lot of empty folding chairs now."
In a speech to people on Martin Luthor King Jr. Day, Senator Hillary Clinton (D - Running for higher office) said that the Bush Administration was the "Worst Administration Ever" and compared Congress to a Plantation. The White House quickly fired back saying that they are pretty sure that the Herbert Hoover Administration was worse that theirs, and possibly the Millard Fillmore Administration, but they were working to get up to the lofty highest said by the Administration of James K. Polk. Congressional leaders dismissed her comparison to a Plantation, and said that as a good Democrat, she should know her place and get back in the cotton field to sing spirituals and lose on lobbying reform.
With all of the corruption allegations in Washington after the Jack Abramoff plea bargain, both Republicans and Democrats have submitted plans that they say will clean up the scandal riddled Congress. Here's the bottom line for those of you who don't want to pay attention to all of this: Neither plan will be enacted, nothing is going to change, and you can still get a Congressman to do anything you want for the low low price of $99,999.99. Call now, operators are standing by, and if you call in the next 24 hours, you'll not only get the tax break or legislative change you want, but also this handsome plaque explaining how your money isn't really money, but is actually "Free Speech" protected by the First Amendment. Act now, before the prosecutors do!
In new scandal news, Representative Bob Nye (R - Got a new house out of the deal) is reportedly about to be indicted for his role in taking illegal campaign contributions and gifts from lobbyists. Nye is probably best known for crafting the Important legislation that changed the name of "French Fries" to "Freedom Fries" during the buildup to the war in Iraq. Prosecutors say that if he is convicted, he won't go to prison, but will have to spend time in a "Freedom Cell."
A group of former EPA chiefs put out a group statement last week, blasting the Bush Administrations stand on Global Warming. The statement said that the Administration's stand that Global Warming is not proven and refusal to act to curb emissions is harming the atmosphere and will have grave consequences over the next fifty years. When asked to comment, White House officials said that they would be dead by then anyway, so someone else can clean up the mess, they are too busy running a war, making profit off of that war and trying to tell the President that Sudoku is not a new missile system.
NASA's probe of a passing comet has returned to Earth, carrying inside it a sample from the tail of the comet. Scientists say that they will be able to use the sample to learn more about the makeup of comets and the effects of solar radiation as long as Bob over in accounting doesn't use this sample to make a Sno-Cone like he did the last sample.
The FDA has said that they are looking to put a limit on the number of drug lawsuits that can be brought in State Courts. When asked if this meant they would be pushing to have the suits handled in Federal Courts instead, a FDA spokesman said, "No, we just don't' want as many lawsuits because they make the drug makers mad, and then when he have to talk to them, they are snippy and rude with us. We want them to be happy. That's why we approved Vioxx without all the needed tests....we just like to avoid conflict. Oh, and kids? Don't do drugs. Unless you're hyper, then take as many as you can to calm your little asses down."
Britain announced that they were relaxing that laws around prostitution, keeping it a crime, but one that is handled with a citation rather than jail time. They said that they were doing this to encourage those in the field to seek better health care, to free up police to go after violent criminals, and they were tired of Amsterdam being the "cool" place.
The Vatican announced that they were not in favor of "Intelligent Design" being taught in schools. This was immediately denounced by evangelicals who said that this once again proves that the Catholic Church doesn't love Jesus as much as they do, and if they don't change their mind, the Pope could be struck dead in another twenty or thirty years.
The Supreme Court has upheld Oregon's assisted suicide law, despite the Bush Administration's arguments against the law. The Court said that the law does not violate the Constitution, and besides, if they had to live in Oregon, they'd want to kill themselves as well. In the ruling, they also Oked assisted suicide in Cleveland, Detroit, most of the South and for anyone who has to listen to country music at their place of employment.
In a speech last week, the new President of Iran said that "The world needs Tehran more than Tehran needs the world." European Union negotiators who are trying to work out an agreement over Iran's proposed nuclear program said that after that statement, they have called in relationship expert Dr. Phil to explain to Tehran that that an attitude like that is a form of an abusive relationship, and that Tehran needs to accept that they need each other equally, and maybe Tehran should buy the World some flowers and tell it that it's pretty. Tehran is said to have grunted something and kept watching the game.
Iran has proposed new talks with the European Union over their proposed nuclear program. An Iranian spokesman said that they are not going to change their position, but that the Iranian negotiating team is starting to get a little bored, and have played through all of the video games they bought to keep them busy waiting for the EU to come back to the table. Said a spokesman for the Iranians, "It's so cute to see them when we say we're willing to compromaise and then say a half hour later that Allah doesn't want us to agree to their terms. Their faces get SO RED!"
And finally, doctors in Israel have said that Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is still showing brain activity while in a coma after his stroke. Doctors say that he is not showing enough brain activity to resume his duties because of the coma, but his is showing enough brain activity to be an anchor on Fox News. Fox News immediately announced that Sharon would be taking the place of Alan Colmes, saying that he would be able to mount a better defense to Sean Hannity that Colmes has despite being in a coma. Said a dejected Alan Colmes, "I've been imitating Droopy Dog for 8 years now and no one thinks it's funny."
That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own!
The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.
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