The Weekly News Update for 1/7/2006
This is the Weekly News Update for 1/7/2006 by Cory!! Strode, whose hopes for the New Year were crushed in a record-breaking 24 minutes this year! Usually, the time is ever shorter.
The Weekly News Update is brought to you by CNN, your choice for real news and reporting, and as proof, we had a half hour with Kreskin, the mentalist, on New Year's Eve to make predictions for the coming year. CNN, where news is what we find in the Midnight Inquirer!
In a story that will lead to a lot of politicians deciding that they are overworked and want to leave public life to spend more time with their families, lobbyist Jack Abramoff came to a plea deal with prosecutors. Abramoff pled guilty to money laundering, influence peddling and dressing like a gangster from a 1930's Warner Brother's movie in a case where he facilitated illegal campaign contributions to Republican candidates and groups that buy advertising for Republican candidates. Abramoff said in a press conference after the deal was announced that he regretted his actions, he was cooperating with investigators, and asked that all future contributions being made to his various fund-raisers and influence committees be made in cartons of cigarettes and shivs.
While Abramoff has expressed regret for his actions, right wing spokesmen such as Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity have said that he should not feel regret, and the only reason he is being prosecuted is because of laws that have only been in effect for the last 5 years. This is, of course, because of their belief that it takes at least 20 years for a law to be enforceable after it is enacted and is a part of their new campaign, "We're Tough On Crimes That We Were Worried About When Wham! Was Popular."
In the first part of the fallout from Abramoff's plea deal, House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R - Figurehead) announced that he would be donating the money that Abramoff and his committees gave him to a charity. What Hastert did not announce is that the charity he and others will be giving the money to is: "Holy Crap, I Can't Get The Blood Off My Hands" run by Lady Macbeth.
President Bush also announced that he would be donating Abramoff money to charity, however, figures show that while Bush donated $6,000 to a charity, Abramoff donated $100,000 to his re-election committee. Obviously, the campaign committee does not have the rest of the money, having spent it on TV ads, travel expenses and maintaining Vice President Dick Cheney's sneer.
The first conviction in the Abu Grabass prison scandal from last year has come in, with Graner being sentenced to 10 years in a military prison, where he will be guarded by people who went through the same trainings on treatment of prisoners that he did. Because it was a military trial, some of the rules involving the trial were different than most people are used to, such as the fact that the trial took less than two weeks, depriving Court TV and Cable News from the kind of trial coverage they are used to giving. Larry King was visibly shaken when the verdict came in, as he was planning at least four months worth of interviews with people who knew the defendant.
The other major difference is that Graner was provided with a stunningly incompetent defense, provided to him free of charge, proving you get what you pay for. At one point, Graner's lawyer defended the pictures of prisoners being forced into nude pyramids by saying that "Cheerleaders all over America do that every football game." We here at the Weekly News Update have put in a request to the lawyer for where these cheerleaders are making nude pyramids so that we can finally make one of our high school dreams come true.
The lawyer defended some of the other actions in similar ways saying that Postal workers are threatened by dogs all the time, professional wrestlers are beaten with steel chairs all that time, and the porn actors are forced to masturbate in front of other people every day. Many said the lawyer was using the "I'm a complete idiot" defense, and is said to have concluded his closing statement with the phrase, "If my defense isn't worth shit, you must acquit!"
In international news, Iraqi officials have chosen a Brigade Chief that US officials do not like and claim has ties to the old Saddam Hussein regime as well as insurgents. Iraqi officials said "We feel that we should be able to choose the leaders of our own military to show the people of Iraq that we are in partnership with the United States and not under their control." What made the spokesman's speech important was that it was the first time an Iraq official has spoken in public while US observers were drinking a glass of water.
Iraqi officials have said that they will be making more decisions that the US may not be happy with over the next few months, including changes to their constitution to allow more religious control over the country, setting their own timetable for future elections and banning US soldiers from singing the songs "Laffy Taffy" and "I'm In Love With A Stripper." US officials said that they have disagreements with some Iraqi policies and decisions, but as long as they don't cause Dick Cheney have a heart attack by trying to do anything about their oil, it will be considered a part of their becoming a democracy.
Speaking of Iraq, in a statement during a court appearance, Former Dictator and underwear model Saddam Hussein said that if he is going to be put to death, he would prefer to be executed by firing squad. He later released a top five list in order of preference:
1) Shot by firing squad
2) Death of high blood pressure after eating too much junk food
and watching too much TV
3) Run over by a steamroller
4) Sat on by a series of obese women
5) Forced to watch the movie "Grandma's Boy"
After an embargo that lasted a few days, Russia and the Ukraine have come to an agreement on the shipping of Natural Gas. Ukraine was upset over recent price hikes, and claimed that they would only pay the formerly agreed upon rate, while Russian officials had raised prices, saying that costs had gone up as well as the price of natural gas worldwide. The two sides came to agreement when Russia reminded Ukraine that it gets very cold there during the winter, and that they still have a lot of hungry soldiers who would be willing to invade just about any country for a bottle of vodka and a cheese sammich.
China announced that their growth rate for 2005 was 9.8%, and said that the increases came from increased manufacturing jobs, a booming economy and the fact that Americans think that a microwave oven that costs $30 is a good deal even though they will have to replace it in a year. Chinese officials say that they expect next year to show higher growth, and they expect to be growing so fast that within five years, they may not have enough political prisoners to work in their factories.
Iran has announced that despite negotiations with the UN and the European Union, they will resume their work on nuclear power. Iranian officials said that they are taking this step so that they can continue to work on meeting their energy needs for the future, to allow for more of their oil to be exported to bring more money into their economy, and because President Bush did not respond to their Christmas Cards which read "Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah." Said one Iranian official, "Every time someone brings up the fact that we have a nuclear program, we get to see Bush's jaw work back and forth, and that little vein in his forehead starts to throb. We love that here. Oh, and we've got your Axis of Evil. Got it right here in our pants!" They then concluded the press conference by thumbing their nose and wagging their behinds at the cameras.
Just some information for you, while other news channels were covering the hospitalization for Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon after having a massive stroke, FOX News had a News Alert that Lindsey Lohan had admitted to drug use and bulimia in a Vanity Fair interview, showing that they are committed to their news slogan: "Fair, Balanced and Utterly Devoid Of News Content."
President Bush announced that he would be having a series of town meetings and rallies to build support for renewing the Patriot Act, much as he did to build support for his Social Security plan last year. This means, of course, that the minute he goes out on the road, the Patriot Act is dead, so opponents of the legislation have begun raising money to pay for Bush's rallies.
The Reverend Pat Robertson, who has gone almost three months without saying anything stupid or offensive, decided to break his streak and announced that God smote Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon for his plan to give Palestinians land in the Middle East, and that it was an answer to Robertson's prayers. When reached for comment, God said "I thought it was because he was in his late 70's, was grossly overweight and had a very stressful job. I didn't realize that when Pat Robertson says jump, I ask him 'How high?'" We here at the Weekly News Update would like to say that if Pat Robertson's prayers have that much power, we'd like him to pray that we get a new pony and a redheaded girlfriend with a penchant for corsets.
The Department of Homeland Security announced that starting this year, they would be allocating funds based on where it is believed that terrorists will strike and places where security needs to be improved. Thank goodness that after three years, they have decided to allocate funds using this method, rather than the previous method which was to give money to monkeys and have them put it in random envelopes address to different city and state officials. Although, sadly, it does mean that the monkeys will have to go back to their old job of picking news and hosts for MSNBC.
Weekly News Update fast fact: The Federal Government has not announced a change in the terror alert level since before the election in 2004. Does this mean that nothing has changed in over a year, or that the raising of the terror alert level was politically motivated? If we were a real news organization with investigative reporters, we would look into this question, but since it would take time away from our schedule of drinking and looking for pictures of Jessica Alba in a bikini on the internet, we'll just pose the question and move on. Thank you.
Finally, a Judge in Maryland has ruled that "mooning" is disgusting, but not a crime. The case came before the court after a lower court ruled that mooning was a crime unless the person doing the mooning did at least three workouts a week, focusing on their butt, in which case it would be considered their civic duty to show people their behind in hopes that they would see it as motivation to get off the couch and get into shape. No word yet on the court's rulings on TPing, wrapping their toilet seat in plastic wrap or leaving a bag of flaming dog crap on the doorstep and ringing the doorbell.
That's the news! If you don't like it, make your own!
The Weekly News Update is copyright 2006, Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.
We actually have courts ruling on the legality of mooning? Why aren't they weighing in on more important issues like swirlies?