I want the Weekly News Update:

So, This Is Your First Time?
A few words from Cory!!, the man behind this mess:

     Welcome! Come on in! Would you like me to get you something, like a cold beverage or a handful of cauliflower? You have just found one of the millions of supposedly funny websites, this one is called The Weekly News Update and is written by Cory Strode, the Best Dressed Man In Comics and updated on Monday nights, unless I have a really bad hangover or find something better to do. If you would like, you can e-mail me and the Weekly News Update will be e-mailed to you Monday nights (or Sunday nights if I feel ambitious. Don’t count on it.) along with a couple other things that you can delete. Also, before I get any e-mail on it, I know my spelling is firmly committed to sucking. I’m just too damn creative to spell a word the same way twice. You can e-mail me with misspellings and I’ll get around to fixing them sometime. What do you want for nothing, a rubber biscuit?

There is more on this site than the Weekly News Update, such as random opinions, information about me, other writing I have done, and a way to contact me if you feel the need to or if you are a woman with red or raven hair. If you are an editor or someone else who can buy stuff that people have written and want to buy some of my finely honed crap, then contact me and I will drop to my knees and worship you in the manner to which you deserve. Oddly, it’s much the same way I worship women who I find attractive. Strange, isn’t it.

In the Weekly News Update (which is the heart and soul of this website) you might notice that I take some liberties with the facts in the newspapers you get or the news you see on one of the many networks. They are wrong. I am a classically trained news reporter who studied at the feet of many of the giants of journalism. Names such as William Randolph Hearst, Nipsey Russell, Woodward and Bernstien, and John Jacob Jingelheimer Smith aren't unknown to me, but I don't know why I know them. I tend to come up with my stories when I wake up from really bad dreams or after I pull a bingefest at Taco Bell, wasting all of 7 dollars.

The Weekly News Update started back in 1996, when I was going through Dennis Miller withdrawal, since I didn't have access to his TV show, and has grown since then to the godawful monstrosity you are due to receive. I am not looking for contributors, but do welcome letters, and if I get many more from people bellyaching about their sad little lives, I'll start up a side business making fun of Dear Abby and Ann Landers. You might notice that I make fun of hypocrites, the French, politicians, the French, borderline celebrities, the French, my preference for redheads, the French, organized religion and the French among whatever else catches my eye. If there is some group who is attacked that offends you, or some position it take that you don't agree with, just wait a week and someone else will be the target. It was just their turn, unless it's the French, and they get popped as often as possible because, well, they're the French. I try to play no favorites, but I don't think I will ever be able to bring myself to go after obvious targets or Parker Posey, the World Greatest and Most Beautiful Actress; the obvious targets because I have to leave the easy ones for Jay Leno and Parker because she is a goddess who can do no wrong. Yep, that's called sucking up, and if you want to forward this to the World's Greatest Actress and all-around fabulous babe, you have permission. In fact, you can forward the Weekly News Update to anyone who would like it, but let them know where you got it, so that they can write and ask me to get it directly.

Amazingly, some people who have reviewed this site say that I am neither far left nor far right, but call it right down the middle. I feel that I call things in the news about as accurately as a referee in the professional wrestling match, and will continue to do so as long as I still give a rat’s ass about what goes on in the world around me, which should prolly be about three more months. After that, I’m going to stay in bed, my covers pulled up over my head, reading the backs of old "Mars Attacks" cards.

Solitaire Rose Productions is the venue for my writing and the site will have a few short stories, a few rants, the Award Winning Weekly News Update (distributed by e-mail since 1996), and whatever other odd stuff I feel like putting on the site.

That's the rules and all the info you need for you to enjoy The Weekly News Update, so, as my father always used to say, sit down, shut the hell up and quit hitting your sister!

If you want to explore the rest of the Solitaire Rose Website, go ahead. I won’t stop you. In fact, I’d be flushed with pride if you did. And if you don’t want to, I have two words for you. "Bite" and "Me."

Copyright © 1999 Solitaire Rose Productions. So there.